Tag: peacock

Cold Hearted Grinning Disorder

It’s exactly what comes to mind when I try to visualize the world around me. It can be a normal day and every thing seems dreary, then suddenly the look on a stranger’s face leaves you with an ill sitting feeling. Since I have been venturing out into uncharted territory as a new person, I have quickly learned there are more monsters stirring amongst us than I previously would have guessed.

For the most part, people seem fine, but it’s the cold hearted assholes that think they know everything that rub me the wrong way. They think they have all the answers, but their shallow minds are the very danger that leads people into unfortunate situations. My whole view on ignorance is a simple one. If you walk about with only the ability to perceive yourself, then you are already dead. If you cannot open your mind to the conscious world, then how will your heart ever actually beat?

It’s something I just finally realized after the haze of acceptance burned off of me; the world is mostly cold and loveless. Most people don’t genuinely care… they just simply pretend to so they come off as polite. If it’s difficult, if it requires an actual human emotion, then fuck it. Walk the other way. It’s the bald headed fucker that gives me a mean-spirited glance that opens the door to completely separate reality: blind hatred.

Working in a tool and die shop with all men is quite an interesting experience. I stick out like a sore thumb. My employer even extended their HR department after my arrival. They hired their first female in our shop and added a full time receptionist, followed by a part time female machine operator and then the epic finale, a devoted HR lady in plant 2. It’s about time. There is way too much goddamn testosterone in that place.

I’ve been surrounded with innuendo geared towards indirect conversations about “identifying”, stories about an employee who transitioned at X’s old company and the banning of the word “shemale”. It is a persistent little traveler. Well I guess when you wear women’s jeans, mascara and walk around with a stud in your nose, I suppose it makes people curious. My favorite is the conversations about shaving. Why do people fucking ask me about my hygiene routine, WTF, for real??

I have experienced some very important lessons so far in my journey. The old Brian would have lashed out a bit and probably would have made some poor choices as well, but I feel this restraint and open-mindedness that lives inside of me and never leaves. I ask myself, is this guy a dumb fucking hick, or is he just having trouble understanding? So I take a deep breath, and just remind myself there’s a place inside of us that no one can ever touch, and that place is there, so I just go there, but I keep listening to their voices, and slowly, but surely, I grow numb to it.

I can’t believe it, but I know what it’s like to receive sexist biases. It’s quite an unsettling and unfair feeling to behold. Every single day I just push myself to keep going, to remain calm and to think about the best response to give back. It is this awesome journey in life that’s building me into the person I’m becoming. They say it builds character, and it’ll eventually show you who you are.

I keep giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, and life keeps moving on without any waves. It’s honestly the most important tool in any human beings arsenal of weaponry, and it’s a little something called communication. Yea, converse. Don’t lecture me, and don’t put me down, otherwise you get it in return. I am one who responds out of emotion, so I’ve retrained myself to process it first. If you’re angry at someone and you tell them to fuck off a bunch, but then respond properly to one request that is actually reasonable, it goes a long fucking way.

Today I am happy to say it. I am not part of the zombie outbreak. When I run into an ugly fuck and I think about shooting it down, I try to check it out and make sure it’s not undead. Imagine that… a transexual that doesn’t judge people. I want the same in return, but I finally realized that something like that’s not ever actually going to happen.

I get to live the rest of my life with this feeling now. Accepting myself for who I am was only the beginning. There’s a lot more happening when it comes to the bigger picture. It’s all too much to handle. It’s too much to grasp at once. All I can do is find the positive in people. That’s literally the only thing that gets me through the day. Cuz if I don’t, then I fall down again and I lose who I am all over again.

Embrace who you are; wear it like a huge banner on your forehead. I decided to not let the dark parts of life step in the way of my happiness, so I made a little video to celebrate with. There may be a little added bonus at the end of it… consider it like an early Christmas present. 😀

Peacocking 101

Purple Chakra: The Missing Pieces

I’m not really sure where to begin here, but I’ll do my best. I have no factual proof that Jasmine has ever laid her pretty eyes on this web page. I pretty much began with nothing but an explanation for my actions, and in return, received nothing but silence. Call it faith, call it intuition, but it doesn’t matter. I have always trusted in my dreams and I saw her reading and watching from a distance. I also saw her reactions as well, so I faithfully kept it going based on trust. Eventually I ended up checking my web server’s web stats, and I noticed a mobile IP user  was using up a good amount of bandwidth, so I convinced myself it was her.

Never did I expect this random accident, born in the parking lot of Meijer, to turn into the emotional pouring out of my heart and soul. When it comes to the regard of dreams, there’s many different explanations. Biblically, they are known as visions and pure insight given by God. It is believed that angels are the bearers of our prayers and they mediate between us and God. Regardless of your beliefs, I sought to show off a little bit with a subtle gesture. The moment began after I was preparing myself for my third and final “video”. I saw great big letters in bright white cursive read “STOP”. I knew what she meant, so I stopped posting. Naturally, I wondered why. The curiosity drove me crazy, and then I discovered the cold, hard fact I was ill prepared for.

Seeing my Princess with the wrong ring on her finger was downright horrifying to me. Part of me said, “fuck this, I’m done”. That was probably the bad dog speaking, but on the other hand, I said, “wait, this isn’t right”. Before I even began to fall into the pits of despair and grief, more visions came to me while in bed. I saw a round bomb, like a cannonball with a fuse and it lit then blew up. Then out popped a heart with the number 11 inside of it. I saw more similar types visions. One was like a bomber man from the video game dropping bombs, and it was comical as if she was trying to cheer me up. Nevertheless, I wondered what the fuck the number 11 could possibly mean. 11 months? 11 days? 11 weeks? What did it mean?!?!

Even so, more came. I saw a motocross biker, a bottle of booze and like a diamond ring choker type necklace. It made an impression and after everything that happened, I found myself unable to doubt. I developed this phobia of checking Jasmine’s Facebook. It was downright depressing that she disappeared entirely. I didn’t want to look. I didn’t want to even know, but on a hunch I looked her up a couple of weeks after the visions, then there she was. She updated her profile picture on September 11th. Haha, the girl that called 911 on me! How ironic. I know she made her profile private just for me. The pieces fit. Why contemplate the obvious? What chokes me all up was how brief that lasted. I was devastated all over again, but I didn’t bother to contact her because I knew I shouldn’t. That brief window was tempting, but I just couldn’t do it because I’m the kind of person that gives people time. It’s in my nature.

Either way, I wanted her to know that she was in my thoughts, so I updated the blog. Jasmine went from a face to an eye. Before, I could see her clearly, but now when she reads its like an eye peeping through a hole. It seems to me like she’s afraid of something, and ya know, I can totally relate. I will never forget shaking from head to toe over this sensational feeling. And while I’m on the subject, I should say love is a scary thing. To love someone is one thing, but to be in love is totally another. If I’m reading between the lines of what I saw and what happened, then love never existed until this. Something like that however, would be hard to admit. Something like that would come from a woman with a huge heart and loving intentions, and I would have to say it began to blossom in a selfless manner. A beautiful woman can make any man happy, but there’s only one man’s life she can save. That is a priceless gift. I thought about this notion back in July, honestly, and I sought an answer to give Her a gift back that is equally as fitting. It is not something money can buy, because pricelessness requires self-sacrifice. So I was thinking maybe I could help you repopulate the Bechtel family tree. That would be my gift to you. Besides, I’m a transgender girl, I wouldn’t mind, honestly 🙂

When I said the future is female, I want you to know I truly meant it. So after you’re done being a 21 year old college girl, we should get together and talk. You tell me what you want in life, and I will do my absolute best to make it as perfect for you as I can. I will be totally and completely happy just making your dreams come true; after all, you are the Reason I am still here.

Love,

Brian