Tag: Openness

When I'm Free

Music cannot be lived without. It is a prerequisite for a meaningful life. Sharing mine isn’t something I do often pretty much because I don’t know anyone else that listens to it. At my last visit with LightRX, I was talking with the new girl, Stephanie, about music and apple gadgets. Then we got onto the topic of darkness, and she immediately became an interesting person in my eyes. We both enjoy alternative musics apparently, but then we got onto the topic of my goddess metal. I told her about Delain and her symphonies of darkness and light. She got all surprised when I told her the lead vocalists were female. It’s rather uncanny I have this conversation during a crucial moment in my life. She asked me about some other bands like it, and perhaps I turned someone onto it. That made me happy.

I’ll probably be talking to Stephanie a lot since she’s going to be doing my hair removal. The appointments are a grueling two hour session, but it’s nice to be able to share the stuff that I really want to. When I’m at work or around guys I can just pretty much tell they’re uncomfortable around my music which is why I’ve come accustom to listening to your average crap on occasion, but honestly, I could give a fuck less about what’s happening in the club. I’m pretty much over my temporary dubstep craze.

When I listen to it now, it’s just noise. All of the deep emotion in my music is literally the essence keeping me afloat right now. A woman with a powerfully inspiring voice backed by the raw melodic beauty of a symphony is like the most amazing feeling in the world. I literally feel absolutely free when I’m home alone blasting music by myself and just wearing whatever I want. This is really fortunate for me too because I don’t watch TV. I’ll do a movie or occasionally watch a series when I find one I like, but music is my passion. It captures the spirit of an undying flame that still burns within. It’s how I know I’m still going to make it through this bitter illusion called reality. I’m always living in two worlds on one plane of existence. It is simply who I am as a person, and I have this really huge heart so like it always hurts. It’s an ache longing for a much needed relief.

Epica – Storm the Sorrows

One with Nature

I couldn’t possibly be in a better mood today. I went in for my consultation at LightRX and I decided to go through with it. I dropped $1300 for 8 treatment sessions and I’m feeling ecstatic. There was a pretty girl working there and we seemed to really hit it off.

She asked me, “so what was your big change in life?” I told her about how I quit drinking and lost a bunch of weight along with all my life changes. Then she told me her story too. She said said she had major anxiety and depression, and was on several medications and gained a ton of weight and such. Just talking to her made me feel completely happy about doing this.

We showed each other our fatty pictures and it honestly felt relieving to talk to someone with a similar experience. I had to show her my belly and stuff, and she told me I was a perfect candidate for this. No belly fat, just excess skin. I start my first session next week for 8 weeks and I guess they’re gonna take pictures of me in gym shorts for a before and after picture.

Sometimes you just have to do something in life that’s only for you, and it is rewarding. After I got home my dad wanted to talk and it went pretty good. I am really hoping we can work things out.

All in all, I am beginning to feel in touch with the world around me. I’ll be standing in the checkout line at Sam’s Club and some random guy will talk to me then check my body out fully up and down, and it’s kinda nice. Then with women, I’m not sure what it is, but I just feel more open and socially anept. I don’t feel uncomfortable anymore because I’m not hiding anything subconsciously.

Who would’ve knew this was the much needed change in life I was looking for? I would have to give credit to my higher Power here. What I thought was my 40th birthday party was actually my 42nd birthday. I saw the number 42 while meditating on it. In the dream, I was wearing a long coat and I always wondered why, but now I know. I don’t question who I am anymore because I’ve figured that out. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Tomorrow I pack my bag and when I return, I’ll be ready for whatever life brings to me next. I’ll welcome the future with open arms from now on.