My new shoes from DK are pretty fabulous. I’ve really been looking forward to dress up and have some fun, but life is pretty overwhelming at the moment. My work load for the next two weeks is pretty heavy, but I’m hoping after that I’ll be able to find some place special to express the things I’ve been needing to convey. All in due time, but for now I have some random things to throw down. I would consider this piece more like a cocktail. It’s got a mixer, a liquor and some fruit in it. Hopefully it all goes down easy.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, so I decided to address it. I had a sleuth of visions in my bed this week and they really stand out above the rest. I saw a hand shake, a girl’s nose and lips, an open hand made of gold, and a girl’s hands folded like she was praying. I really felt touched by it, and after my last post, my short-term anxiety just up and vanished. It’s rather ironic that I use anxiety to make advances in spirituality, but honestly that’s how it works. The acronym of HOW is a great way to explain HOW relationships need to work in order to be successful in such endeavors.
If I’m picturing the things behind the scenes clearly and correctly, then I would only imagine that natural curiosity would arise. If you were suddenly convinced of a truth you’ve been battling with, then you would gradually begin to enter the stage of acceptance. With acceptance comes many things, but the most important thing to realize is that you’re not alone in this. Acceptance is always a two way street. It was exactly like this for me, but I had to figure it out on my own. It really becomes quite apparent when you find people that accept you for who you are, and not for who you pretend to be.
The first thing I did was wonder what it would be like and also what people would think. I struggled with the whole notion on epic proportions. Seriously, when I found myself walking into Joost vapor while Jas was surrounded by a bunch of kids, I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. My gut instinct’s reaction while contemplating the outcome was rejection followed by humiliation. She fulfilled the prophesy of my worried heart with ease. What can I say? She was right all along. She was way too young for me. Honestly, what the hell was I thinking?
When I ask myself, what’s that special number? What’s the youngest age you could probably go for? Well, I could probably get to know a girl that was at least 22. It would have to be pretty casual though, more like being really good friends. As far as commitment goes, well I know for a fact that I couldn’t get into anything really serious until she’s 23, but if she’s honest and open with me and still willing by the time she turns 24, well then, I would marry her in a heartbeat. At least from what I’ve gathered, that’s the plan here.
This girl probably worries about the future way too much. She probably feels a lot like I did and she probably went ahead and tried to take some shortcuts in life to try and blend in with the world, but she’s smart enough not to fall for that. Just as she told me how proud she was of me when I hit ten months of sobriety, I’ll tell her how proud I am of her for remaining strong during those following ten months she waited in anticipation for her plan’s in life to unfold.
I’m not a mathematician, but I saw “23m” while wondering how long it would be before I got to speak with the light of my life again, and I saw that. I knew 23 months would be a long time, but I kept my faith regardless. Sorry for being somewhat cryptic honey, but everything has its own perfect timing in life. Life’s plan is also full ironies, but we must do our best to accept them or else everything is just a simple meaningless coincidence, and I say fuck that. Besides, everything will look much more beautiful when the sparks fly and rockets are blasting into the night sky. It’s all perfect on the outside, but it’s vastly more important as to what’s changed on the inside.
This transformation and progress we yearn to develop is all meant to create safer waters for us to harbor in. Have you ever been told, “you are your own worst enemy?” If I were to go out and get smashed tomorrow and fall back into my own ways, it would compromise all the hard work I’ve done in life. If we ever thought to ourselves, “we’ll just skip the darkness and march into the brighter days ahead”, then we would probably make mistakes in lessons that we could’ve learned during the times where we should’ve been more patient. I don’t want to put a timeline on anything other than what’s at the forefront, and that’s the fact that you should do what your heart tells you, when you feel the time is right. If you can’t open yourself up to me face to face, then it is not the time. You’ll know it when it happens, trust me. It’ll be obvious.
What to Expect
Breaking the ice with me is going to be the easiest thing in the world to do. You get to undoubtedly spend the rest of your life making fun of me for wearing panties. You could go out of your way to be a feminine girly fairy creature and say things to me that would make any man become uncomfortable, and yet I will have no choice but to lie back and take it. It’ll be this way because I get turned on by it. Once a female discovers this ultimate vulnerability about me, she becomes empowered by it and realizes her ultimate power over me. This simple little exploit has caused me more grief than I care to remember, but it is the reason why the seasons keep changing in a world without your face in my life.
As for expectations in life, I will be totally honest with you about this. Don’t have any! When we build expectations in life and do not live up to them on our time, we create disappointment in our minds. You must do your best to accept the hand you’ve been given and take life’s hardships one day at a time. Every time I try and push myself too hard, I end up being counterproductive. I like to break down my long-term goals into little stepping stones and try to tackle the simpler things first. A “hello” or a “hand shake”, for example would be simple. You can’t put the weight of the world on your shoulders because we’re not strong enough to handle that, so the best thing to do is trust in the bigger picture and know that all things your heart desires will come to pass.
The coolest thing about me being a transgender person, is the fact that I’m actually more like a tomboy than an actual girly girl. I mean sure, I’m feminine, but I make up for that in the areas of having an analytical mind and an awesome tool collection. I took this gender role test and I was surprised at the results. I have all those qualities most women complain about men not having such as compassion, creativeness, and sensitivity. As for a male, I surprisingly have the things actually needed to be a man where it counts most in life, and that’s ambition and drive. Honestly, taking this silly little test made me feel really good about myself.
I have a lot of mixed emotions regarding the view of transgender people. I can’t stand to watch the drag queen shows on TV. I find those “women” to be kind of on the tacky side. And the ads I’ve been seeing for NY Queens or whatever, is downright obnoxious. I hate how media lets these people go out and flaunt fake plastic shit like this because that’s not how it is. I have a couple resources online I hang out in, and I can say these people have had terribly difficult lives. A lot of them are actually shy like me, and they’re really good people with big hearts. It just makes me sick to see this crap all over the TV. It doesn’t address any of the real issues. It focuses on controversial shit that makes us the laughing stock of the world and sells more commercials to the dumb-downed idiots known as Americans. It deeply insults me as a person knowing that 45% of people with transgender-related issues have admitted to attempting suicide. And what, watching a bunch of assholes glorify it on TV is supposed to make me feel better? It’s one huge cruel joke.
Okay, so I’ve had 3 girlfriends in my life, and yes that means I’ve only had sex with 3 women because I am not a skank and I’ve never ever been the sleeping around type, and I never will be!! I’ve actually turned a couple girls down that were ready to go simply because I’m an emotional person. If I am not in love, my pants do not come off. After they do come off however, the girl pretty much always knows that something is different about me than other men, and by that I mean I can’t really fuck her in the way she would normally expect. I’ve lived my entire life with this mentality that women are the ones in charge. So if you can understand what I’m saying here, there’s a lot more kissing involved than usual.
Then girls ask me if I’m gay and make fun of me and laugh and kiss me and stuff, and I totally like it. Of my three ex’s, one of them are not actually evil. It didn’t work out because she was too much of a lover and liked to cheat on me with other girls. I guess when she got drunk and tried to make out with my sister one night, well um, ya know I just couldn’t deal with that anymore, so I had to break up with her. Her name was Chelsea and she was really nice and good for me in a lot of ways, and other than trying to kiss my sister, I don’t have any complaints about her. And as far as my best friend, well I pretty much just sucked his dick a few times. Then one day he asked me if he could suck my dick, and I told him I had to go. For some reason it just seemed gay and didn’t interest me. Haven’t seen him since, but we still text each other sometimes. So ya that’s my damage, 3 girls and a guy that used to be straight until he met me so now he’s gay. Also, my best friend and my evil ex are also ex’s, so there’s also that little complication, but that’s not a story for tonight.
When it comes to sex, it’s totally not a complicated thing for me. I’m turned on by the same things as most men and women, except I tend to get a bit more elaborate in my ways because I have the sexuality of a man and woman combating each other day and night. It’s straight up exhausting to try and put a label on it. I feel that’s probably quite normal too since we all base our desires on our past experiences and innermost fantasies, but I’m a pretty regular person when it comes to that kind of thing. Though, I had a girl in the past bring up the possibility of a dildo and I went into thinking that could be fun using it on her, but to my surprise, she seemed to have been planning to use it on me. Girls are like God’s kinkiest of creations, and apparently I’m one of them. Luckily, I’ve been on the closeted side with my transgenderness, so honestly, that’s something that’s going to be a totally new experience for me and I can honestly be thankful for that because it’s something to look forward to.
Who, Who Who??
In closing, I would like to now state the obvious question at hand. Who is Jas? I’m honestly very curious. I know she’s a college girl and works for an electronic cigarette manufacturing company. I know she’s from Midland and is studying psychology, but all that stuff is just what’s on the surface. I have went above and beyond to share every little thing about myself. I’ve shared my secrets, my desires, my fears, my goals, my hopes and my dreams. I have finally let it all out today, and there’s nothing really left. There is no more Mystery of Brian Kennedy left on the table. The book is wide open and it’s time for me to get to know the one person that actually matters to me in life. I suppose that too is a Story for another day, but I look forward to it every single night before I fall asleep. It’s a feeling that never ever leaves my side. It’ll always be there until Mystery Girl decides she cannot bear it anymore and come into this thing with an open mind, a forgiving heart and honest intentions.
Well, I’m off to bed. Sweet dreams, good night and always remember to LOOK UP 🙂