Identity and Disassociation

It’s a topic in AA that is always avoided for some reason. We wear a mask because we are not yet acceptant of ourselves.  I decided to choose it, but it was a lost cause due its unsettling nature. I decided to spend some time to dive deep and figure out who the hell I am. The answers were all in my journal.

I started it after 10 months in AA and what really blows my mind is how completely lost I was. In the earlier pages, I can visualize a person who’s really searching for the answers in life. Most of my dialogues were directed towards desires, hopes, dreams and self-change. I wasn’t happy, but yet I was hopeful.

When I look at everything I wrote this year, it’s so inevitably clear that I have learned from my mistakes in life. Now life is crazy and traveling at the speed of light before my eyes. I work an 11 hour shift during the week then do side jobs on the weekends, and they’re such long hours yet they fly by in the twinkle of an eye.

I am happy to be living life on life’s terms. There are no more mysteries shadowing behind the reasons of a self-loathing addict, but only sparkles of light reflecting through open doors. To  be free and uncaged from the shackles of brokenness is a once in a lifetime achievement.

After the door opens, it can never again be closed. I have yet to meet someone who regrets quitting drinking. It is such a subtle difference between the 1st step and the 12th step as it’s only an admission, but the life inspiring changes cannot be denied; herein lies the reasons why I am a lifer in the program of recovery. I have seen many faces in the pages of my own handwriting, but now I only see her in the mirror.




Wearing the inside out

No grow on the leg hair…

It was about a week and I was pretty much going crazy and I debated shaving my legs and started looking around and noticed about half of it wasn’t growing back. Then I had a “oh yeah” moment and remembered the $300 IPL I experimented with a couple of times. It definitely works!!

Deep down that makes Briana quite happy. Walking around with patches of hair missing would just be weird so I’ll just shave from now on. I plan on wearing shorts regardless so the I took the initiative to go in public while wearing tight jeans and women’s shoes. It’s amazing how real a girl’s smile is when she notices I’m wearing women’s shoes. Going to the tanning salon down the street and random stores gives me a sense of confidence because of the reactions. It’s like medicinal warfare colliding with contradictive insecurities, and I am indeed amazed.

Surprisingly, shimmying my way into a size 26 skinny ankle grazer was much less combative than I expected. Briana is one skinny little bitch.

If you look into the background you may notice Link watching over the lands of Hyrule. He patiently waits for princess Zelda every waking day. Though I must say, we do have striking resemblances as we both enjoy tight fitting outfits and cute princesses.

That’s what the fox says. This is the picture for my company’s calendar for April. I dreamed about it one week before they hired me. Then on my first day, there it was all over the place, staring me in the face. I love the fact the company is owned by a woman. Must be why they offer free full health coverage for your entire family. I think I’ll work here for the rest of my life. It’s the best job I ever had. I love it. I am so thankful.

Working 70 hours a week and dual enrolling in classes for control engineering and journeymen Electrician is daunting. This is how I wind down every night of my life. I take a hot bath, shave my legs and put on a cami and some Capri leggings. Then I fall asleep like a baby even while wearing a steel boned corset. Good night and sweet dreams. ?

Farewell my love

Spring is in the air! Time to grow my leg hair back out. I told my mom last night about Briana, but I don’t think she was too happy about it. I told her about Mrs. H then she understood so all in all it worked out.  I packed away my treasure today in preparation for summer, which works out because I can’t be spending money on chick stuff between buying a house and planning my tattoo. It’s going to be a masterpiece. Until we meet again, I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon. ?

Taming my wig

Got this beauty because she is so me. I’m a little embarrassed about the liner sticking out, but I managed to figure it out in the end. This curly brunette is totally Briana. =)




Briana's a sexy bitch

I was gonna try and talk to you at meijer, but I felt a bit awkward. Not because of the fake PPO, but more like I just got done buying a size 11 pair of women’s reebok shoes and I was wearing leggings. That got me thinking maybe I should just tell you I’m a transgender. I been doin it since I was little. Never meant to creep you out, but I’ve struggled my entire life with women and fitting in. I fell in with the drug crowd and my life spiraled out of control. Met a girl when I was 21, fell in love and 5 years later she cheated on me and had a kid with another man. Then I pretty much just blamed myself for not being a real man and let myself go until I ended up in AA. I’m sober, but now I’m just insecure. I’m sorry for being a stalker about it, but don’t be afraid of me Jas, I’m a sweetheart. There’s only 3 things I want in life: a wife, 5 kids and a boob job. If you can accept that, I think we could probably start over from here. I never done this before, but I took some pics of myself cross dressing for you.

Hope you like them ???