The Seventh Summer

Well, this weekend was an interesting one. We had my nephew’s birthday party and lots of people here. My sister went into my room to borrow a shirt and saw girl’s clothing in my room then made a big deal about it to my dad. He was like demanding to know whose it was. I think it’s funny that they think I would actually have a chick in my room because I haven’t in six years now.

I worked pretty much all weekend. Spent Saturday morning at my day job, then went to the start up shop and then went to Ludington later that night to do some more work on a remodel. I got to hangout with my mom for Mother’s Day and she brought up the clothing and got mad knowing that my dad and sister just barge into my room whenever. It’s a relief that she stands up for me as no one else has ever really respected my privacy. My dad and sister would throw a fit if I did that to them, seriously.

It’s also kind of funny too because my mom grabbed a hoodie out of my car and it was a women’s carhartt. She was like, “oh wow this is really nice, I really like it.” I am very grateful to have one person in the world to talk to and be completely open with. I never saw this coming, but my mom is honestly my new best friend now. She had been very disappointed with me most of my life because of my drug use, and there was a point where she almost gave up on me. I am so happy that I turned my life around, and when I think about this stuff, I just start crying. It’s something I do a lot, but it’s completely necessary. It reminds me that I’m still human.

I hope someday I can give my mom all the grand-kids she’s been wanting and bring home a woman to meet her. That will be the best day of my life and I still get to look forward to that moment because I am choosing life. I’ve often contemplated suicide because I don’t want to die alone being a fucking tranny, but if I did do that, I would literally cause my own worst fear to happen.

Six long ass years… what is this God; a 7 year tribulation? That’s really fucking funny according to my dreams. 23.24.666? Why do I see those numbers? Why did I see the number 22 like 300 times in one night? I assume I just need things drilled through my head so I don’t give up on this new beautiful life we created together. Speaking of life, here are some pictures of the things that will support this expensive ass plan God has for us. Seriously… two women and five kids, that ain’t gonna be cheap!

This is a control panel for a lathe interlock system. I started building these out of my garage for Phil and they take 22 hours to build. I was making $800 off each one, but I decided to go hourly so we can invest further in the company.

This is our start up shop. It’s located next to Founders in the industrial ghetto. They have artists, antique shops and even a burlesque show in this building. I really love spending my evenings here after work wiring up panels and assembling product. I can wear girl’s clothing and vape here too, it’s perfect!

Helm Automation, the huge future corporation of industrial controls automation! I am happy to be apart of something like this, it’s awesome. My boss is getting close to being able to quit his day job too so I’m gonna make this process as efficient as possible to speed things up.

Spent 4 and a half hours making these door contact cables. It’s a good thing Briana is a total fucking nerd. Playing Nintendo, with Lego’s and computers actually ended up paying off. Not really sure where playing Barbie’s with my sister paid off, but hopefully that will too when I learn how to get my own girly style down.

To celebrate my nerdhood, I bought a bunch of dorky cotton tee-shirts. I got them in large and plan to shrink them in the wash with some warm water a bit. I hope this goes well with all my girl jeans. I actually went through and got rid of all my guy boxers, socks, shorts and pants. I am down to only owning men’s shirts, but hopefully someday that can change. Plastic surgery scares the hell out of me, but I am really considering having a few changes made to my body. Bicep reduction is completely invasive, but I kinda wanna do it…

I don’t look totally gay in a woman’s shirt, but every time I put one on, I just end up being unhappy about my biceps. My feminine qualities are definitely my selling point. Every time I try something more masculine, I just end up feeling like a contradiction all over again. Goddamn, I really need to clean my room.

Well, it’s time to chill and get my girl pajamas on. I had a very long 80 hour work week and literally did not have a single day off. I’m going to take next weekend off work so I can spend some time with Briana. I want to go full drag with some of the new clothing I have. My Carhartt utility leggings are the bomb. I’m going to get all dolled up as a working girl and put on my wig and some makeup, then take some pics of myself with my hammer drill! It’s gonna be soo hot, I can’t wait! 🙂


Ready for Action

Every time I put on women’s carhartts, I feel like a rock star. Tight jeans and some loafers, hell ya. I can’t wait to grow my hair out. It’s getting bushy, but when it falls to my shoulders and I throw on some shades, I’ll be completely legit.

I decided to be more stealth tomorrow. I’m gonna go in with carhartt dungarees and my Batman tee shirt. Who would’ve knew that under the dark knight’s armor were a pair of blue hipster panties?? ???

An Astrological Lobotomy

This is one of those things that makes me a total freak of nature. It began when I was young. They were just simple meaningless dreams. I felt like I was living in deja vu quite often. In the 3rd grade, I saw this girl named Melissa. She was tall, pale and had short black hair. Then three weeks later, she was the new student in class. I never actually thought much of it until I grew up and suffered from some emotionally painstaking moments due to brutal realities in life. I honestly can say that I am not religious nor did I ever seek out God, but instead God found me. I was pretty much begging for death and what I saw literally sent me fleeing towards a bible.

Once I started reading it and stuff that’s when loads of very vivid and symbolic dreams began streaming into my mind. If I had to describe it to someone, I would say it was like receiving spiritual psychotherapy. My attention was definitely undivided and I saw some of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen, so much in fact the dreams made reality dull; they became my own obsession. Then I started having them while I was awake too. The day visions were mostly about reality. I would see a name, a face, a date or even a place, then it would come to be a reality.

I saw a blond guy crying at Grand Valley in room 73. Three weeks later I met him. His name is Mike and he was the first person to ask me to be an AA sponsor. My journal contains a well documented series of these phenomenons and I have so many written down that eventually I decided to just stop keeping track altogether. The freakiest one to ever happen involved my sister and her ex-husband. I told my parents something bad was going to happen and they doubted it, but as events began to unfold and things got ugly, they were freaked out and looked at me like I was some kind of goddamn freak.

Eventually her ex got arrested outside the Ludington State Park with a fifth of whiskey, an empty bottle of xanax and a loaded .45 magnum under his seat. I took his keys that night and left him there, then had my sister call the police. Until this day, my mom still gets chills over it when it’s mentioned, which isn’t very often. Sometimes a premonition can be avoided if you take action, but then there are things that cannot be avoided. They literally just happen and they are far beyond your control.

It reminds me of my 40th birthday. What I saw was crazy to me. I thought to myself, “first of all I would never quit drinking, there’s no woman in the world worth that.” I was totally wrong. I did stop drinking. Secondly, I thought there’s no way in hell I would ever grow my hair out long, but I was wrong about that too because here I am fucking doing it. I also doubted the woman there holding my birthday cake, and ya know, I still doubt that. That would never ever happen. There’s no way in fuck a woman would ever marry me and have 5 fucking kids with me. My daughter, however, is so goddamn beautiful and precious that it would be a crime not to bring her into this world. It’s funny, I’ve dreamed about her 3 times. Her face literally makes me cry.

Some things in life are just meant to be a mystery, so just let it come and let it be. Miracles do happen.

Irony's in the Air

Of all people, my mother compliments me while wearing women’s jeans. She lectured me slightly about how I don’t need to do it and whatnot, but today I showed up in Ludington wearing all women’s clothing. She told me how good I looked in my jeans and how nice it was to see me back in my normal clothes.

I almost fell off the chair laughing. I had on women’s reeboks,  Carharrt nylona slim jeans and an aqua mint racerback under a reebok hoodie. My sister also said “damn Brian you’re skinny, you look good”. I guess it’s obvious that I’m doing something different, but they don’t know what. It worked on the lady at a vape shop too apparently because she started mysteriously talking about her and I having a beer. I told her I didn’t drink lol.

Today is the first time I wore women’s clothing for an entire day, and I guess it’s working for me which is just perfect because I love wearing it. After losing all the weight from a few years ago, it is such a huge relief to do away with all the baggy clothes. I realize there’s men’s jeans that are tighter, but I just don’t feel they offer style with enough elegance to satisfy my desires.

Overall, I’m very happy about all of this. Going out in public wearing all women’s clothes can kind of be nerve wrecking at first, but if you compliment your body appropriately it pretty much just works itself out. It’s great to receive the compliments while testing the waters.

It’s not really all about the way I look, but more how I feel on the inside. My confidence seems to be completely normal with my new style and maybe it’s subconsciously effecting my perception or maybe it actually works. Either way, I feel like I am somehow being more honest with myself, and women too.

I bought this recently to express myself and use as a deterrent from gay guys after having one check me out thoroughly. Plus it stands for what I want in a relationship.

Not sure what to say about this. I bought it to sketch out a tattoo and then I realized it was a lost cause because I’m not much of an artist unless it’s with words; a whale, a creature of such large proportions cannot find a needle in a haystack, but when I come across that sea horse I shall swallow it whole then blow her out my spout. Sea food sounds so good right now too!

The IDFC Look

Well, I got some more clothing in today. My Levi’s curvy boot cut jeans arrived and I did not waste any time getting into them. I went out wearing them with a Levi’s shirt and my men’s wool zip carhartt hoodie along with my pink timberlands and pink shades. I walked into Marathon in Allendale and there were 3 girls hanging out there and I swear they were all like silently paused as I entered. I felt like a total stud muffin, half shaved and wearing girly shit mixed up in a man’s confusing attire. I like it. I think I’ll keep it because my biceps just do not satisfy a woman’s top, but I did order a bunch of stuff from today, $393 and that includes a hoodie, so we’ll see how that fits me.

These jeans are so damn comfortable it’s unbelievable. I’ve always been a fan of Levi’s from Kohl’s.

Carhartt Awesomeness 

Double front dungaree in smoke gray. I feel confident I can safely wear them at work even though they’re skinny, but people see what they want to see: carhartt work pants.

Utility leggings on the other hand are pretty deliberate, but I love the way they look so much, I simply could not resist. Maybe I’ll ask my boss if I can wear skinny jeans on Friday and come walking in wearing these bad girls.

Bison Brown Romeo. I’ve been wearing 1000v Timberland Pro’s with a composite toe and they are so damn heavy and uncomfortable, so I got these to use as work boots. They look casual and comfortable, plus will fit me better in a size 11 women’s. My feet are a strange anonomolly because I wear a 10 to 10.5 in men’s, but they always feel bulky because I have feminine feet.

Pretty basic, black front zip hoodie. I am hoping it’ll look better with all my skinnier pants.

Double front denim dungaree. I wasn’t planning on more jeans, but they have some crazy stitching that darts all over the place and it’s the kind of thing I’m into. Very unique yet low profile.

These are Crawford double front pants. I wasn’t totally sure about them, but the ladies reviewing them seemed pretty crazed over them, so I got a pair in black.

That should do it for work clothes. I have more than enough now and I feel pretty happy with my purchases. Next is tee shirts and shorts. I’m going to buy longer women’s shorts and go for men’s casual tees since they look good with women’s jeans. All my under armor and adidias shirts will have to go because they don’t blend well so I’ll reinvest in all cotton tee shirts from now on.

Freedom Fed Ramblings

Well, I honestly can say I had a wonderful day today. I got my carhartt women’s work pants yesterday and decided to wear them to work today. I work in a building full of men so I was a bit hesitant at first, but after putting them on this morning, I couldn’t resist. The fleece lined legs feel so nice and soft against my skin, plus they actually look really good on me. I wore boy short panties too. I felt comfortable, felt good and just overall normal. I decided to order a few more pairs in different colors and throw my men’s work pants away. They are so baggy and rough anyway.

I also got a pair of Timberland Kennsington’s in pink just for the fuck of it, and they’re pretty hot. Carhartt skinny fit work jeans are also very nice. I wore them yesterday to the tanner and I decided that’s it. I’m going all women’s pants from now on. To celebrate, I took some pictures. It’s too bad I am so damn tired or else I would take a bunch more.

There’s a new girl at summer haze and she’s a brunette, has tattoos and wears a bunch of cool moon rings and stuff. She was pretty smiley with me. She probably just adored my girl jeans and pink shoes.

I love how these pants fit me. I didn’t even wear a belt which is a huge bonus comfort wise.

They still look like works pants and I don’t think anyone even noticed, but damn I love them.

I love the new freedom I have. It’s really awesome that I’m making like a thousand bucks a week too, but at the same time that’s a bad thing for a tranny like me. I can do some serious damage, so I decided to make my budget $400 per week and have the difference wired into an online savings account. A house with hard wood floors is like a requirement for me because they make high heels sound like music to my ears when they click and clack.

Plus hard wood floors match my sexy tan. I think this is how my blog is gonna go. I’ll be into myself with photos one moment, and then all emotional about my feelings and stuff the next. I think any woman on the planet could probably relate to that, but it’s just difficult because I’m a straight cross dresser that’s into women. I could not imagine living with anything that is more frustrating, lonely and confusing. I refer to it as rainbow cuffs. It’s like I have a need in life, but don’t possess the nature to find it. I am a prisoner in my own body, but freedom is the mind without the body… and that’s why I obsess over my dreams. I’m always free when I sleep. I dreamt of myself as a woman twice before, and I can’t put it into words how comforting it was. If only I could live there, but I can’t because reality is a cold hearted, cruel bitch wearing a 12 inch studded strap on.

Gaff Vapor says Good Night.

September Mourning in June!

I am totally excited! I just bought two tickets for September Mourning at the Token Lounge on June 10th. Emily is a very talented girl and her lyrics and music both move me. This is going to be the dark comic-con heavy metal fest I’ve been dying for. I have a freaky fetish for heavy metal and fallen angels so like I’m going all out with what I’m wearing. I have almost a whole month to plan it and make it perfect. I will fit right in with this crowd among my fellow super freaks. Hopefully I can get a picture with her. It should be easy to do since it’s a pretty small venue. This is like the perfect chance to go crazy with some dark makeup and more daring outfits. I am stoked!!


20 Below – Awesome Music Video

My kind of girl: bound, broken, and fending off the darkness with light in her eyes.

Stealthy musical chairs

Well, I have to say it’s a lot more fun blogging than writing in a journal. I miss it. I did some spring cleaning and I got rid of a lot of shit, and it’s a huge relief. I’m going to be getting rid of all the clothes I don’t like and replacing them. I’m very excited. I’ve been shopping for stuff that I can wear at all times, so I probably won’t be buying too many skirts and whatnot. You just can’t get away with that and I don’t want to waste money on clothing I’m not willing to wear in public.

I got a new wig in the mail today too and I have mixed emotions about that… I decided I want real hair, not fake. I am going to grow it out long and it’s gonna be wonderful. I’ve dyed my hair black before and I honestly really miss my emo days, so overall I feel pretty happy about this decision.

I expect my carhartt jeans and shirts to be here tomorrow. They’re not too far off from men’s, but just a little more snug fitting. My last pair of men’s jeans are a size 30 waist and they slide off my ass without a belt as it is. A women’s size 8 fits so much better. Well, that’s about it. Musical chairs with my clothing. I think I’ll keep my wool carhartt hoodie and some work pants, but that’s it. All the other shit has to go. Just to think all the years I put up with wearing stuff I absolutely hated. Honestly, donating 7 trash bags to Good Will felt really great. I am getting rid of all my baggage once and for all.

☠️☠️☠️☠️ RIP Brian ☠️☠️☠️

My Nightmare

Her beauty is a compelling mystery

Her face, a soft and dark beauty

Her eyes mesmerize and hypnotize me

She was my drive, I made her thrive


Her lips are so soft, so sweet, so lustful

Her body dances in my mind, she haunts me

Her black and soft hair lingers like toxic air

Her evil deadly mist, my weak broken first


She cuts deep into me with her blade

She can see through me like glass

She pulls my strings for I’m her puppet

She pushes my button, she’s my controller


I exalted her, she belittled me

I applauded her, she defiled me

I elevated her, she degraded me

I held her up, she pushed me down


Her awesome thunder, my great plunder

She remains to me, a remarkable wonder

Her wake, a nightmare that made me a mess

She deceived me like the devil wearing a dress

Who? Woohoo! #!@* YOU

Rainbows filled the dark forest and the owls owned the night

Lo and behold, the shadow of a ghost saw itself, a beautiful sight

What I saw was a phantom, some silhouette of a long forgotten soul

My searching for an adequately ornate perfection became my goal

Goddammit, then I ran into Etsy and my discover card took its toll

Studded Heavy Metal Leggings from Mexico City $114

Midnight Surf Gothic Arm Warmers from North Carolina $44

Black and Blue Venetian Masquerade Mask from Turkey $76

Festival Cotton Utility Belt from Sydney, Australia $53

Black Steampunk Hooded Vest from Byron Bay, Australia $116

Black Post-Apocalyptic Long Sleeve Shirt from Rome, Italy $92

Making all your twisted inner desires come true…. FUCKING PRICELESS!

It’s like I just can’t stop. After years of going completely dormant, I thought it was in the past, but it’s not. I made this blog only to apologize to someone and express myself, but I thought I would stop and just go back to being normal, but it’s not happening. There’s no more morphine or fetanol anymore to calm me. No mr. jack daniels to put me on my ass.

It’s like when I admitted it soberly, it just became who I am. It’s an unstoppable force and I must just surrender to it. Fuck my discover card. I’m tired of having a huge line of credit and not using it anyway. Regardless, the pictures will assert my needs and bring some poetic justice into my heart.