Category: Blog

Mansions, Mullets and Metal

Went and looked at some houses today and I’m feeling pretty excited about it. I’m pre-approved for a mortgage and that definitely adds to the excitement. I feel like I might wait one more year before I buy. As much as I would love to go out and be free, I hesitate simply because my ultimate fantasy in life is letting a real woman pick out the house. As a post-apocalyptic tranny, I would pretty much just decorate the house in rock paraphernalia and pin-up girls. Sure I could buy a house, but it wouldn’t be a home without a loving woman there to make it one. It’s probably the least I could do for the girl of my dreams anyway.

I thought about this earlier today while playing with my hair when the reality of it hit me: it’s time to bite the bullet and walk around with a mullet. This is good though, they say patience is a virtue. Growing your hair out takes patience and commitment just as anything worthwhile in life does. I’ve been looking at hair styles and stuff to try and make something work when I came across this cool picture on Pinterest.

I guess until my bangs hit a stylish curling point, I’ll walk around looking like a weirdo in women’s jeans and a mullet. Some good advice was to keep my neck shaved and trim my sideburns, so I’ve been doing that. This will be a great opportunity to play with my hair and be creative with the different lengths. The only thing bumming me out right now is my summer plans. I wanted to go to like 5 different concerts, but sadly most of the bands I’m into rarely tour the US or don’t tour the US. I’m into symphonic heavy metal, and of course, prefer female vocals. I tried for Sirenia, Within Temptation, Deadlock, Ignea and even Delain, but absolutely no luck. Oh well, at least I can listen to music all day at work. That’s pretty much how I make it through all these long ass work days.

I’m feeling a music video..

Nocturnal Life

Wearing women’s clothing is like having a whole new set of eyes. Just by doing it, it opens up the door to an entirely different world. Women touch my hand all the time when I’m buying stuff at a store, but now I’ve had a couple guys literally put their whole hand in mine, which is fine by me. It makes me feel wanted and I suppose I can appreciate the gesture. I also been wearing low cut socks and when I got out of my truck at the home depot today, I saw this lady check out my ankles. She had really short hair and I think she might have been a lesbian, but I liked it. Nothing tops the Gothic girl though. She looked at me rather intimately, like a gaze with the wow factor of a subtle sunset. Honestly, I don’t know how else to express it. I had on some dark pants with bronze studs and women’s shoes along with one of my new screen printed tee’s that is uniquely me. I would’ve liked to talk to her, but I can’t. I have a head full of bad experiences and nothing that is encouraging is in there.

I’ve never made a move on a girl before. All my ex’s seduced me. My first love was sad and heart broken, so I put my arm around her and she kissed me. The next day she took my virginity, and after that I saw her once more, then she blocked me out of her life. Randomly like a year later, she came back and had this new boyfriend and wanted to be friends and stuff. It struck me as odd, and it was. She ended up driving me out into the woods late one night where three of her guy friends were waiting to rob me for a bottle of oxycontin. They came out in black ski masks and with guns and made me get on my knees and stuff. I’ll definitely never forget her. She steals my fucking virginity, then tries to steal my goddamn drugs. I say try because I hid that shit good.

Between my first love and my last, I got fucked pretty good and hard. There’s nothing like waiting for 9 months expecting to be a dad and then suddenly, you’re not. I watched him come into this world and I even gave him a name. I chose to call him Noah. I think the shock of it all never really hit me until a couple years later, and then I pretty much just cried myself to sleep for two solid years straight. The day I picked up drinking was the worst decision I ever made. Instead of crying myself to sleep, I would just get so drunk I would black out. It’s hard to come out of something like that and just dive into the sober consequences of reality, but it was by far the best choice I ever made in my life. With all the blinders removed, my eyes are completely open. I’m simply a woman trapped in a man’s body and expressing it openly is the only path I can take if I want to live a functional life and share it intimately with Super Girl.

This is why an owl can see in the dark. When the future is out of reach, it’s time to delve into the past. All the things not sitting right within became settled, and then I saw my innermost reflection. It was the most beautiful moment in my life, yet I had to look the devil in the eye and decipher through all the lies; then the truth came out.

The person I am has become, and it’s someone who I can live with, honestly. In my search for all the answers I was looking for, I found all the pieces needed. The troubles of my life are over, and it’s time for new troubles to begin. It’s the end of chapter six in my life because I feel like the next will bring me happiness.

Optimism in pure darkness doesn’t fool an owl because the owl lives in darkness, but there will always be a place called home to fly to; and whatever she sees at night will find her. Who are we looking for? The answer is within ourselves. Digging deep only requires pressure and time.

Light the lonely forest with rainbows glowing in the dark, after all that’s really what life is all about.

, black nail polish,


Seriously though, I know how to rock a fucken pair of fishnet stockings.


Well, not everything went as I planned this weekend. I took some pics as usual, but I decided to post a video too. Nicole’s hair turned out to be quite the nuisance unfortunately.

Grab my ankles and mop the freaking floor.

I felt less ambitious than I had hoped.

Fuck you, Nicole.

Smoking crack in my mom’s closet. Nicole is such a troubled girl, but she got her fix and cheered right up.

She feels sexy and decides to take her hoodie off.

Carhartt utility leggings and a camo top for the girl who’s just so warfare savvy.

Absolutely LOVE my utility belt from Etsy! It is handmade and feels awesome when you wear it.

I may look innocent, but trust me, I’m not.

I am deadly, stealthy and usually strike when my enemy isn’t prepared. Watch out, I will fuck your world up.

I wear her around my neck pretty much everyday. I had this strange dream about a girl in a rainbow shirt who sat on my lap facing me and said she would take care of me, but then she walked out the door. The next night, I saw the door knob and a lock with a sticky note on it that read, “do if you can”. So I sent this web page to a girl. It’s funny, the only two things in the room was a chair and a rainbow sign that read, “come home, Brian.” I guess I been sitting around waiting and needed to take an action. At least, that was my interpretation. I unlocked the door, but I think she’s lost at sea or something.

Ok, now the videos.

Feeling a lil bummed and insecure

Totally sexy, boomeranging dork fest

Well I guess that’s it. I was in a decent mood until my dad told me I looked like a fag and started making a big deal about my jeans. I think I might need to find a new place to live, and besides, it would be great to embarrass myself from the privacy of my own home with my utterly unique and beautiful dance moves.

Gearing Up for a Mischievous Adventure

I’ve been thinking about my hammer drill all day. I was so excited when I got out of work! I went home and changed in front of my mirror and prepared for my trip to Ludington. I decided to wear all women’s clothing today and I packed all women’s clothing as well, plus my makeup and other accessories. I always carry my men’s Batman tee shirt for emergencies. If I get in a bind, I just simply put it on and I feel invincible.

Once I was packed and ready, I said goodbye to my dad and went to the vapor store to get some juice, then to the marathon for gas and monster, and finally Home Depot to buy a nice drill bit for my baby. I gotta say, this girl at the marathon seemed like she was about to go into shock or something when I walked up to the register. Did I look that damn good? The guy at the vapor store though, was really really super nice to me. Even in the tool aisle full of burly men, I felt totally hot AF. It was a pretty goddamn good day.

Took the Saab. So much more fun with the new motor and turbo.

I wore my slim Levi’s. They are as close to skinny jeans as you can get. However, they are pretty damn noticeably women’s IMO.

My “messenger” bag. It’s got my emergency girl stuff in it. Lint roller, jewelry, nail polish and chap stick, etc. It’s close to a purse, but I’m not quite gay enough to buy an actual purse, but pretty goddamn close.

Hammer is drill chilling, waiting to do some hardcore penetration.

I went with the 10 inch auger. They had bigger, and believe me, I have seen bigger, but I know 10 inches should be plenty for both Briana and her cute little princess. Anything more is just excessive and brutally painful.

Had to snap a full body selfie in my mom’s closet before I head out to the State Park. I look pretty damn good in women’s clothing. It’s no wonder I can’t stop cross dressing. So excited for tomorrow… Briana is gonna get all dolled up and wire up a house for lights, then find some concrete to pound the fuck out of with her sexy ass hammer drill. It’s gonna be so much fun… I am already wet just thinking about it.

Post-Apocalyptic Preamble

When in dream, I found myself standing in the store. Before I knew it, I was outside watching from a distance, then I saw an angel take her by the hand and walk her out. I never knew exactly where he was taking her, but it pained me to see it. I saw a fence in the distance and it was a bright, sunny day, but when I saw the sequel… the cage became a very dark and lonely place. “Brian, Brian!”, she cried. “Get me out of here!” Then I cut a hole in the fence and before I could even get her out, she leaned through and kissed me. It was that moment alone that brought a cowboy’s cold, dead heart back to life.

Once the chaos unleashed and I realized it was a nightmare come true, I was reborn a post-apocalyptic tranny. I fell into a trance and had a full blown spiritual awakening. I saw my full potential in life become a reality and it was all due to an inevitable and unavoidable natural disaster. To weather the storm and pursue a reckoning, a power greater than myself chose to give me supernatural abilities. It was with this power alone that gave me the strength needed to endure trying circumstances. All is well with the world today because all things happening have already happened, but the reasons behind them remain a mystery.

The man behind the mask must show his inner self to the world before he can become a superhero. This dawning unleashed a pursuit into discovery and an obsession towards perfection, but a superhero needs a hero too. He needs her cry for without her plea, he cannot be a hero. Without her touch, he is nothing more than a man in a mask sitting in a dark cave. It is her voice alone that lights his life and it is the very purpose which gives him his. Until that day becomes, a hero quietly prepares himself to become a she. And so it began; a new chapter in the Story begins to unfold. This journey will shed away all fears and bring about new tears, but endless smiles and happy faces will illuminate the path alongside the contours of fate’s dark beginnings.

I sought after the perfect pair of jeans, and go figure, the super skinny’s were victorious.

A new wig gave me the motivation late at night, even when I knew I should be asleep.

“Damn”, I thought. “I look way hotter than you, fuck you, Brian.”

When my hair grows out, I will indefinitely play with it forever.

Fuck yea… I fucking love these jeans.

Enough to even throw some devil horns. Nichole’s hair gives me her personality.

Crazed girly urges seemed to take hold and possess Brian. S/he couldn’t believe it.

Naughty thoughts even entered my mind.

But so did good thoughts.

Oh well, what can a girl do? Things are out of my control.

Which is why I live my life by this prayer alone. It awakened Briana into a new reality.

Even so, some things never change. Heroes like to rewrite the future for their past is broken.

I may be bound, shackled and even freaked out on a leash, but nothing will stop me. I may even lay on my hands to make a statement.

Until the stars rise and the darkness falls, the show must go on.


Black 'N Blue Butterfly

From all the bruises and open wounds, to the clairvoyantly blossomed flowers, it could not be anymore perfect nor beautifully fitting. It came today in a box that expresses everything words cannot.

Two angels and a wreath of hearts. The Turkish art captures an essence of time that has long passed, yet still remains.

Even the paper tissue in the box has an antiquity that seems untouched by time itself. This is one of 7 pieces from Etsy and it’s by far the most important part.

I wanted to put it on, but I decided not to. Something rare and unique as this calls for a special occasion. The pictures really don’t do it any justice, but the craftsmenship of this mask is awe inspiring. I’ll wait for when the moment is right to put it on. I am so glad I bought it. ?

Skull Pop Savior

I freaking love these capri’s. I love wearing all pink especially after having a really bad day. My dad can be such a dick. I wonder if he ever stops and thinks about how his overbearing and dominating alcoholic driven behavior has effected me over the years. He doesn’t. Because he drinks it away. Then acts like a dick because I don’t do anything right. Total control freak. I need to move badly, but I want to have a woman’s body more. I’m saving my money for body sculpting. I’ll go post op in three stages.

  1. Tummy, waist and hips
  2. bicep reduction
  3. B cup implants

Then I’ll show my dad how he really makes me feel. Then all will be well with world. This will be great for women too because they make me feel like such a bitch, but skull pop leggings on the other hand: ❤️❤️❤️ As far as being a bitch to women, I like it. Nothing makes me get off harder than being restrained on the bed with a woman on top of me. Having the goods will only add fuel to the fiery flair of hormonal passions while indulging in hot, endless amounts of kinky sex.

As far as body sculpting, it’s completely necessary. I was looking at myself in the mirror today and I need it. Losing 80 pounds in one year ruins your body. They can effectively remove all the excess skin, which is where I plan to start. I also want a thin silicone  hip implant so I can have natural curves. This will be the best way to begin my new journey as it’s more of a subtle beginning rather than having obvious boobs or chick arms.

Three goals in life will revolve around my dad’s influence. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, but I don’t want to follow in his footsteps.

  1. Be a woman
  2. Be sober
  3. Be submissive

I apologize for the penis, but I like my penis so I want to show it off. Between Briana and Brian’s penis, I experience complete bliss when I pleasure myself. Getting off with her is the only escape I have in life. It’s sad and pathetic, but undeniably true.

I seriously wonder everyday of my life why I was dealt such a rediculous contradiction of a pointless existence. I’m a prisoner in my own body, a prisoner in my dad’s house and a prisoner on this sick and twisted, degenerated ass backwards planet called earth. Well, fuck. I just said it all.

Now wrap me up like a fucking mummy and bind my wrists and ankles with shackled anchors and toss me back into the depths of the sea. I am seriously already there, drowning and shivering my ass off while bottom feeding piranhas gnaw off the decaying flesh of my tormented soul. I am such a cynical little bitch when things don’t go my way. I should put black makeup on and cry while I let the mascara run down my face like an emotionally imbalanced teenager with daddy issues.


The Seventh Summer

Well, this weekend was an interesting one. We had my nephew’s birthday party and lots of people here. My sister went into my room to borrow a shirt and saw girl’s clothing in my room then made a big deal about it to my dad. He was like demanding to know whose it was. I think it’s funny that they think I would actually have a chick in my room because I haven’t in six years now.

I worked pretty much all weekend. Spent Saturday morning at my day job, then went to the start up shop and then went to Ludington later that night to do some more work on a remodel. I got to hangout with my mom for Mother’s Day and she brought up the clothing and got mad knowing that my dad and sister just barge into my room whenever. It’s a relief that she stands up for me as no one else has ever really respected my privacy. My dad and sister would throw a fit if I did that to them, seriously.

It’s also kind of funny too because my mom grabbed a hoodie out of my car and it was a women’s carhartt. She was like, “oh wow this is really nice, I really like it.” I am very grateful to have one person in the world to talk to and be completely open with. I never saw this coming, but my mom is honestly my new best friend now. She had been very disappointed with me most of my life because of my drug use, and there was a point where she almost gave up on me. I am so happy that I turned my life around, and when I think about this stuff, I just start crying. It’s something I do a lot, but it’s completely necessary. It reminds me that I’m still human.

I hope someday I can give my mom all the grand-kids she’s been wanting and bring home a woman to meet her. That will be the best day of my life and I still get to look forward to that moment because I am choosing life. I’ve often contemplated suicide because I don’t want to die alone being a fucking tranny, but if I did do that, I would literally cause my own worst fear to happen.

Six long ass years… what is this God; a 7 year tribulation? That’s really fucking funny according to my dreams. 23.24.666? Why do I see those numbers? Why did I see the number 22 like 300 times in one night? I assume I just need things drilled through my head so I don’t give up on this new beautiful life we created together. Speaking of life, here are some pictures of the things that will support this expensive ass plan God has for us. Seriously… two women and five kids, that ain’t gonna be cheap!

This is a control panel for a lathe interlock system. I started building these out of my garage for Phil and they take 22 hours to build. I was making $800 off each one, but I decided to go hourly so we can invest further in the company.

This is our start up shop. It’s located next to Founders in the industrial ghetto. They have artists, antique shops and even a burlesque show in this building. I really love spending my evenings here after work wiring up panels and assembling product. I can wear girl’s clothing and vape here too, it’s perfect!

Helm Automation, the huge future corporation of industrial controls automation! I am happy to be apart of something like this, it’s awesome. My boss is getting close to being able to quit his day job too so I’m gonna make this process as efficient as possible to speed things up.

Spent 4 and a half hours making these door contact cables. It’s a good thing Briana is a total fucking nerd. Playing Nintendo, with Lego’s and computers actually ended up paying off. Not really sure where playing Barbie’s with my sister paid off, but hopefully that will too when I learn how to get my own girly style down.

To celebrate my nerdhood, I bought a bunch of dorky cotton tee-shirts. I got them in large and plan to shrink them in the wash with some warm water a bit. I hope this goes well with all my girl jeans. I actually went through and got rid of all my guy boxers, socks, shorts and pants. I am down to only owning men’s shirts, but hopefully someday that can change. Plastic surgery scares the hell out of me, but I am really considering having a few changes made to my body. Bicep reduction is completely invasive, but I kinda wanna do it…

I don’t look totally gay in a woman’s shirt, but every time I put one on, I just end up being unhappy about my biceps. My feminine qualities are definitely my selling point. Every time I try something more masculine, I just end up feeling like a contradiction all over again. Goddamn, I really need to clean my room.

Well, it’s time to chill and get my girl pajamas on. I had a very long 80 hour work week and literally did not have a single day off. I’m going to take next weekend off work so I can spend some time with Briana. I want to go full drag with some of the new clothing I have. My Carhartt utility leggings are the bomb. I’m going to get all dolled up as a working girl and put on my wig and some makeup, then take some pics of myself with my hammer drill! It’s gonna be soo hot, I can’t wait! 🙂


Ready for Action

Every time I put on women’s carhartts, I feel like a rock star. Tight jeans and some loafers, hell ya. I can’t wait to grow my hair out. It’s getting bushy, but when it falls to my shoulders and I throw on some shades, I’ll be completely legit.

I decided to be more stealth tomorrow. I’m gonna go in with carhartt dungarees and my Batman tee shirt. Who would’ve knew that under the dark knight’s armor were a pair of blue hipster panties?? ???

An Astrological Lobotomy

This is one of those things that makes me a total freak of nature. It began when I was young. They were just simple meaningless dreams. I felt like I was living in deja vu quite often. In the 3rd grade, I saw this girl named Melissa. She was tall, pale and had short black hair. Then three weeks later, she was the new student in class. I never actually thought much of it until I grew up and suffered from some emotionally painstaking moments due to brutal realities in life. I honestly can say that I am not religious nor did I ever seek out God, but instead God found me. I was pretty much begging for death and what I saw literally sent me fleeing towards a bible.

Once I started reading it and stuff that’s when loads of very vivid and symbolic dreams began streaming into my mind. If I had to describe it to someone, I would say it was like receiving spiritual psychotherapy. My attention was definitely undivided and I saw some of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen, so much in fact the dreams made reality dull; they became my own obsession. Then I started having them while I was awake too. The day visions were mostly about reality. I would see a name, a face, a date or even a place, then it would come to be a reality.

I saw a blond guy crying at Grand Valley in room 73. Three weeks later I met him. His name is Mike and he was the first person to ask me to be an AA sponsor. My journal contains a well documented series of these phenomenons and I have so many written down that eventually I decided to just stop keeping track altogether. The freakiest one to ever happen involved my sister and her ex-husband. I told my parents something bad was going to happen and they doubted it, but as events began to unfold and things got ugly, they were freaked out and looked at me like I was some kind of goddamn freak.

Eventually her ex got arrested outside the Ludington State Park with a fifth of whiskey, an empty bottle of xanax and a loaded .45 magnum under his seat. I took his keys that night and left him there, then had my sister call the police. Until this day, my mom still gets chills over it when it’s mentioned, which isn’t very often. Sometimes a premonition can be avoided if you take action, but then there are things that cannot be avoided. They literally just happen and they are far beyond your control.

It reminds me of my 40th birthday. What I saw was crazy to me. I thought to myself, “first of all I would never quit drinking, there’s no woman in the world worth that.” I was totally wrong. I did stop drinking. Secondly, I thought there’s no way in hell I would ever grow my hair out long, but I was wrong about that too because here I am fucking doing it. I also doubted the woman there holding my birthday cake, and ya know, I still doubt that. That would never ever happen. There’s no way in fuck a woman would ever marry me and have 5 fucking kids with me. My daughter, however, is so goddamn beautiful and precious that it would be a crime not to bring her into this world. It’s funny, I’ve dreamed about her 3 times. Her face literally makes me cry.

Some things in life are just meant to be a mystery, so just let it come and let it be. Miracles do happen.