Category: Blog

An Astrological Lobotomy

This is one of those things that makes me a total freak of nature. It began when I was young. They were just simple meaningless dreams. I felt like I was living in deja vu quite often. In the 3rd grade, I saw this girl named Melissa. She was tall, pale and had short black hair. Then three weeks later, she was the new student in class. I never actually thought much of it until I grew up and suffered from some emotionally painstaking moments due to brutal realities in life. I honestly can say that I am not religious nor did I ever seek out God, but instead God found me. I was pretty much begging for death and what I saw literally sent me fleeing towards a bible.

Once I started reading it and stuff that’s when loads of very vivid and symbolic dreams began streaming into my mind. If I had to describe it to someone, I would say it was like receiving spiritual psychotherapy. My attention was definitely undivided and I saw some of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen, so much in fact the dreams made reality dull; they became my own obsession. Then I started having them while I was awake too. The day visions were mostly about reality. I would see a name, a face, a date or even a place, then it would come to be a reality.

I saw a blond guy crying at Grand Valley in room 73. Three weeks later I met him. His name is Mike and he was the first person to ask me to be an AA sponsor. My journal contains a well documented series of these phenomenons and I have so many written down that eventually I decided to just stop keeping track altogether. The freakiest one to ever happen involved my sister and her ex-husband. I told my parents something bad was going to happen and they doubted it, but as events began to unfold and things got ugly, they were freaked out and looked at me like I was some kind of goddamn freak.

Eventually her ex got arrested outside the Ludington State Park with a fifth of whiskey, an empty bottle of xanax and a loaded .45 magnum under his seat. I took his keys that night and left him there, then had my sister call the police. Until this day, my mom still gets chills over it when it’s mentioned, which isn’t very often. Sometimes a premonition can be avoided if you take action, but then there are things that cannot be avoided. They literally just happen and they are far beyond your control.

It reminds me of my 40th birthday. What I saw was crazy to me. I thought to myself, “first of all I would never quit drinking, there’s no woman in the world worth that.” I was totally wrong. I did stop drinking. Secondly, I thought there’s no way in hell I would ever grow my hair out long, but I was wrong about that too because here I am fucking doing it. I also doubted the woman there holding my birthday cake, and ya know, I still doubt that. That would never ever happen. There’s no way in fuck a woman would ever marry me and have 5 fucking kids with me. My daughter, however, is so goddamn beautiful and precious that it would be a crime not to bring her into this world. It’s funny, I’ve dreamed about her 3 times. Her face literally makes me cry.

Some things in life are just meant to be a mystery, so just let it come and let it be. Miracles do happen.

Irony's in the Air

Of all people, my mother compliments me while wearing women’s jeans. She lectured me slightly about how I don’t need to do it and whatnot, but today I showed up in Ludington wearing all women’s clothing. She told me how good I looked in my jeans and how nice it was to see me back in my normal clothes.

I almost fell off the chair laughing. I had on women’s reeboks,  Carharrt nylona slim jeans and an aqua mint racerback under a reebok hoodie. My sister also said “damn Brian you’re skinny, you look good”. I guess it’s obvious that I’m doing something different, but they don’t know what. It worked on the lady at a vape shop too apparently because she started mysteriously talking about her and I having a beer. I told her I didn’t drink lol.

Today is the first time I wore women’s clothing for an entire day, and I guess it’s working for me which is just perfect because I love wearing it. After losing all the weight from a few years ago, it is such a huge relief to do away with all the baggy clothes. I realize there’s men’s jeans that are tighter, but I just don’t feel they offer style with enough elegance to satisfy my desires.

Overall, I’m very happy about all of this. Going out in public wearing all women’s clothes can kind of be nerve wrecking at first, but if you compliment your body appropriately it pretty much just works itself out. It’s great to receive the compliments while testing the waters.

It’s not really all about the way I look, but more how I feel on the inside. My confidence seems to be completely normal with my new style and maybe it’s subconsciously effecting my perception or maybe it actually works. Either way, I feel like I am somehow being more honest with myself, and women too.

I bought this recently to express myself and use as a deterrent from gay guys after having one check me out thoroughly. Plus it stands for what I want in a relationship.

Not sure what to say about this. I bought it to sketch out a tattoo and then I realized it was a lost cause because I’m not much of an artist unless it’s with words; a whale, a creature of such large proportions cannot find a needle in a haystack, but when I come across that sea horse I shall swallow it whole then blow her out my spout. Sea food sounds so good right now too!

The IDFC Look

Well, I got some more clothing in today. My Levi’s curvy boot cut jeans arrived and I did not waste any time getting into them. I went out wearing them with a Levi’s shirt and my men’s wool zip carhartt hoodie along with my pink timberlands and pink shades. I walked into Marathon in Allendale and there were 3 girls hanging out there and I swear they were all like silently paused as I entered. I felt like a total stud muffin, half shaved and wearing girly shit mixed up in a man’s confusing attire. I like it. I think I’ll keep it because my biceps just do not satisfy a woman’s top, but I did order a bunch of stuff from carharrt.com today, $393 and that includes a hoodie, so we’ll see how that fits me.

These jeans are so damn comfortable it’s unbelievable. I’ve always been a fan of Levi’s from Kohl’s.

Carhartt Awesomeness 

Double front dungaree in smoke gray. I feel confident I can safely wear them at work even though they’re skinny, but people see what they want to see: carhartt work pants.

Utility leggings on the other hand are pretty deliberate, but I love the way they look so much, I simply could not resist. Maybe I’ll ask my boss if I can wear skinny jeans on Friday and come walking in wearing these bad girls.

Bison Brown Romeo. I’ve been wearing 1000v Timberland Pro’s with a composite toe and they are so damn heavy and uncomfortable, so I got these to use as work boots. They look casual and comfortable, plus will fit me better in a size 11 women’s. My feet are a strange anonomolly because I wear a 10 to 10.5 in men’s, but they always feel bulky because I have feminine feet.

Pretty basic, black front zip hoodie. I am hoping it’ll look better with all my skinnier pants.

Double front denim dungaree. I wasn’t planning on more jeans, but they have some crazy stitching that darts all over the place and it’s the kind of thing I’m into. Very unique yet low profile.

These are Crawford double front pants. I wasn’t totally sure about them, but the ladies reviewing them seemed pretty crazed over them, so I got a pair in black.

That should do it for work clothes. I have more than enough now and I feel pretty happy with my purchases. Next is tee shirts and shorts. I’m going to buy longer women’s shorts and go for men’s casual tees since they look good with women’s jeans. All my under armor and adidias shirts will have to go because they don’t blend well so I’ll reinvest in all cotton tee shirts from now on.

Freedom Fed Ramblings

Well, I honestly can say I had a wonderful day today. I got my carhartt women’s work pants yesterday and decided to wear them to work today. I work in a building full of men so I was a bit hesitant at first, but after putting them on this morning, I couldn’t resist. The fleece lined legs feel so nice and soft against my skin, plus they actually look really good on me. I wore boy short panties too. I felt comfortable, felt good and just overall normal. I decided to order a few more pairs in different colors and throw my men’s work pants away. They are so baggy and rough anyway.

I also got a pair of Timberland Kennsington’s in pink just for the fuck of it, and they’re pretty hot. Carhartt skinny fit work jeans are also very nice. I wore them yesterday to the tanner and I decided that’s it. I’m going all women’s pants from now on. To celebrate, I took some pictures. It’s too bad I am so damn tired or else I would take a bunch more.

There’s a new girl at summer haze and she’s a brunette, has tattoos and wears a bunch of cool moon rings and stuff. She was pretty smiley with me. She probably just adored my girl jeans and pink shoes.

I love how these pants fit me. I didn’t even wear a belt which is a huge bonus comfort wise.

They still look like works pants and I don’t think anyone even noticed, but damn I love them.

I love the new freedom I have. It’s really awesome that I’m making like a thousand bucks a week too, but at the same time that’s a bad thing for a tranny like me. I can do some serious damage, so I decided to make my budget $400 per week and have the difference wired into an online savings account. A house with hard wood floors is like a requirement for me because they make high heels sound like music to my ears when they click and clack.

Plus hard wood floors match my sexy tan. I think this is how my blog is gonna go. I’ll be into myself with photos one moment, and then all emotional about my feelings and stuff the next. I think any woman on the planet could probably relate to that, but it’s just difficult because I’m a straight cross dresser that’s into women. I could not imagine living with anything that is more frustrating, lonely and confusing. I refer to it as rainbow cuffs. It’s like I have a need in life, but don’t possess the nature to find it. I am a prisoner in my own body, but freedom is the mind without the body… and that’s why I obsess over my dreams. I’m always free when I sleep. I dreamt of myself as a woman twice before, and I can’t put it into words how comforting it was. If only I could live there, but I can’t because reality is a cold hearted, cruel bitch wearing a 12 inch studded strap on.

Gaff Vapor says Good Night.

September Mourning in June!

I am totally excited! I just bought two tickets for September Mourning at the Token Lounge on June 10th. Emily is a very talented girl and her lyrics and music both move me. This is going to be the dark comic-con heavy metal fest I’ve been dying for. I have a freaky fetish for heavy metal and fallen angels so like I’m going all out with what I’m wearing. I have almost a whole month to plan it and make it perfect. I will fit right in with this crowd among my fellow super freaks. Hopefully I can get a picture with her. It should be easy to do since it’s a pretty small venue. This is like the perfect chance to go crazy with some dark makeup and more daring outfits. I am stoked!!

 

20 Below – Awesome Music Video

My kind of girl: bound, broken, and fending off the darkness with light in her eyes.

Stealthy musical chairs

Well, I have to say it’s a lot more fun blogging than writing in a journal. I miss it. I did some spring cleaning and I got rid of a lot of shit, and it’s a huge relief. I’m going to be getting rid of all the clothes I don’t like and replacing them. I’m very excited. I’ve been shopping for stuff that I can wear at all times, so I probably won’t be buying too many skirts and whatnot. You just can’t get away with that and I don’t want to waste money on clothing I’m not willing to wear in public.

I got a new wig in the mail today too and I have mixed emotions about that… I decided I want real hair, not fake. I am going to grow it out long and it’s gonna be wonderful. I’ve dyed my hair black before and I honestly really miss my emo days, so overall I feel pretty happy about this decision.

I expect my carhartt jeans and shirts to be here tomorrow. They’re not too far off from men’s, but just a little more snug fitting. My last pair of men’s jeans are a size 30 waist and they slide off my ass without a belt as it is. A women’s size 8 fits so much better. Well, that’s about it. Musical chairs with my clothing. I think I’ll keep my wool carhartt hoodie and some work pants, but that’s it. All the other shit has to go. Just to think all the years I put up with wearing stuff I absolutely hated. Honestly, donating 7 trash bags to Good Will felt really great. I am getting rid of all my baggage once and for all.

☠️☠️☠️☠️ RIP Brian ☠️☠️☠️

Who? Woohoo! #!@* YOU

Rainbows filled the dark forest and the owls owned the night

Lo and behold, the shadow of a ghost saw itself, a beautiful sight

What I saw was a phantom, some silhouette of a long forgotten soul

My searching for an adequately ornate perfection became my goal

Goddammit, then I ran into Etsy and my discover card took its toll

Studded Heavy Metal Leggings from Mexico City $114

Midnight Surf Gothic Arm Warmers from North Carolina $44

Black and Blue Venetian Masquerade Mask from Turkey $76

Festival Cotton Utility Belt from Sydney, Australia $53

Black Steampunk Hooded Vest from Byron Bay, Australia $116

Black Post-Apocalyptic Long Sleeve Shirt from Rome, Italy $92

Making all your twisted inner desires come true…. FUCKING PRICELESS!

It’s like I just can’t stop. After years of going completely dormant, I thought it was in the past, but it’s not. I made this blog only to apologize to someone and express myself, but I thought I would stop and just go back to being normal, but it’s not happening. There’s no more morphine or fetanol anymore to calm me. No mr. jack daniels to put me on my ass.

It’s like when I admitted it soberly, it just became who I am. It’s an unstoppable force and I must just surrender to it. Fuck my discover card. I’m tired of having a huge line of credit and not using it anyway. Regardless, the pictures will assert my needs and bring some poetic justice into my heart.

Identity and Disassociation

It’s a topic in AA that is always avoided for some reason. We wear a mask because we are not yet acceptant of ourselves.  I decided to choose it, but it was a lost cause due its unsettling nature. I decided to spend some time to dive deep and figure out who the hell I am. The answers were all in my journal.

I started it after 10 months in AA and what really blows my mind is how completely lost I was. In the earlier pages, I can visualize a person who’s really searching for the answers in life. Most of my dialogues were directed towards desires, hopes, dreams and self-change. I wasn’t happy, but yet I was hopeful.

When I look at everything I wrote this year, it’s so inevitably clear that I have learned from my mistakes in life. Now life is crazy and traveling at the speed of light before my eyes. I work an 11 hour shift during the week then do side jobs on the weekends, and they’re such long hours yet they fly by in the twinkle of an eye.

I am happy to be living life on life’s terms. There are no more mysteries shadowing behind the reasons of a self-loathing addict, but only sparkles of light reflecting through open doors. To  be free and uncaged from the shackles of brokenness is a once in a lifetime achievement.

After the door opens, it can never again be closed. I have yet to meet someone who regrets quitting drinking. It is such a subtle difference between the 1st step and the 12th step as it’s only an admission, but the life inspiring changes cannot be denied; herein lies the reasons why I am a lifer in the program of recovery. I have seen many faces in the pages of my own handwriting, but now I only see her in the mirror.

 

 

 

Wearing the inside out

No grow on the leg hair…

It was about a week and I was pretty much going crazy and I debated shaving my legs and started looking around and noticed about half of it wasn’t growing back. Then I had a “oh yeah” moment and remembered the $300 IPL I experimented with a couple of times. It definitely works!!

Deep down that makes Briana quite happy. Walking around with patches of hair missing would just be weird so I’ll just shave from now on. I plan on wearing shorts regardless so the I took the initiative to go in public while wearing tight jeans and women’s shoes. It’s amazing how real a girl’s smile is when she notices I’m wearing women’s shoes. Going to the tanning salon down the street and random stores gives me a sense of confidence because of the reactions. It’s like medicinal warfare colliding with contradictive insecurities, and I am indeed amazed.

Surprisingly, shimmying my way into a size 26 skinny ankle grazer was much less combative than I expected. Briana is one skinny little bitch.

If you look into the background you may notice Link watching over the lands of Hyrule. He patiently waits for princess Zelda every waking day. Though I must say, we do have striking resemblances as we both enjoy tight fitting outfits and cute princesses.

That’s what the fox says. This is the picture for my company’s calendar for April. I dreamed about it one week before they hired me. Then on my first day, there it was all over the place, staring me in the face. I love the fact the company is owned by a woman. Must be why they offer free full health coverage for your entire family. I think I’ll work here for the rest of my life. It’s the best job I ever had. I love it. I am so thankful.

Working 70 hours a week and dual enrolling in classes for control engineering and journeymen Electrician is daunting. This is how I wind down every night of my life. I take a hot bath, shave my legs and put on a cami and some Capri leggings. Then I fall asleep like a baby even while wearing a steel boned corset. Good night and sweet dreams. ?

Farewell my love

Spring is in the air! Time to grow my leg hair back out. I told my mom last night about Briana, but I don’t think she was too happy about it. I told her about Mrs. H then she understood so all in all it worked out.  I packed away my treasure today in preparation for summer, which works out because I can’t be spending money on chick stuff between buying a house and planning my tattoo. It’s going to be a masterpiece. Until we meet again, I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon. ?