It would be one helluva place if we could just fly over our obstacles in life, but we can’t. We simply need to become brighter and stronger people after facing our demons. Then one day, like two happy giraffes, we’ll spiritually grow up and see each other face to face while looking right over that life-defying brick wall standing in the way. It’ll be beautiful living with our heads in the clouds, besides life down below is just too claustrophobic. It’s as if the world around us has crafted an image for us and we’re expected to follow, but surely we will not.
We’ll take things where they need to be. We’ll look over that wall and beyond the small-mindedness and simply do what we believe to be right. Who wants to toil amongst hypocrisy anyways? It’s all a vain waste of time. There is no gain to be had when you seek the pursuit of happiness based on another’s expectations in life, and that is why I sought out to find an answer that is higher. I don’t wish to conform to a set of beliefs based on religious boundaries, political loopholes or sexual-orientations that distort the very needs of my own heart and soul. I want a life that is free without bounds, and a worthwhile opportunity to make right all the things that were wrong within.
She’s fatherless. I’m transgendered. Both those things can never change, but we can however put our special powers together and create the ultimate force of justice. Then my Donald Trump loving father will see how there’s no such idol made of gold that can defy the gift of love. He will surely be baffled when he witnesses what the future has in store for us. It will be an earth-shattering force that none shall seize. Love will be victorious.
I have spent so much freaking time holding up the roof from caving in on myself, but it’s time to show the world what happens when I let go.
It’s also time for a vigilante to take matters into her own hands. I need a heroine that sees past the facade society has created, then she’ll be able to work without all the political chains tying her down. I need her to put on my colors and rally behind me.
First thing’s first, I need to create the bat signal so I can properly communicate with her. Hopefully this goddamn roof doesn’t fall on me, but this matter is urgent. I’m gonna have to take a chance and hope fate doesn’t coming toppling down upon me.
She will know I am of peace and loving-kindness. It’s this force alone that will reunite us in our scourge against the dark influences corrupting our universe. Until we meet here again, Super Girl, know that the next time will be our last….
To Be Continued
Actually had a pretty interesting weekend. I had 3 panels to finish up by Sunday so I dedicated my time to work and decided to hang around later than usual. Friday night, after I was returning from Tropical Cafe with a smoothie and a flatbread, I was on my way back into the complex when I saw these 3 girls outside smoking. I heard one of them say to the other, “is that a guy or a girl?” I kinda chuckled because they just happened to be wearing like these ballerana fairy skirts and it caught me off guard. There was also a guy kinda hanging back behind them.
When I got up to the 2nd level, there was this gothic chick waiting there in the hallway for me. She was wearing some thigh high boots, a corset and some fishnet stockings. I said hello and we started talking. She asked what space was mine and I told her about what we do there, and then she got to telling me about her space. She was telling me about how she was gothic and her and some of her girlfriends put on a burlesque show there. I told her I always wondered about it, so she took me back to her space.
It was pretty sweet. She had all sorts of gothic scenery, pin-up girls and cool candles and other paraphernalia. We started talking about music because I mentioned I loved gothic metal. It wasn’t long and we were both raving about the Birthday Massacre. She was pretty easy to get along with. Then she started telling me about what they do there and stuff. Then something unusual happened. She kind of took her top coat thing off and slid it down to her back, then put it back on. I couldn’t help notice how her boobs just popped out at me. It was like a big, “hello Brian”.
After that, she started telling me about the sex shows they did there. There was a lot of decorations and distractions in the room, but eventually I glanced down at the round coffee table, and I saw a strap-on dildo and some other adult sex products just kinda laying around. Cuffs, whips, harnesses, etc. It was about this time where she told me her name was Sassy and that she was a dominatrix. She even asked me if I knew what that was and I was like “ummm yeah!” Then she told me the price is $250 and started going on about their shows and group events.
I was kind of in shock, but at the same time, found myself slightly turned on by it. I was standing there wearing some tight jeans and my bear paw boots, and overall, I pretty much just looked like a little bitch. Then it occurred to me that the people outside were probably there poaching new customers. I guess I fit the profile lol. Either way, it was an interesting night. After I returned to work, I couldn’t stop thinking about the random people that come into the building now and again. Then I realized the reality, some poor bastard is probably down the hall dressed up in a French maid outfit and getting punished by Sassy’s strap on.
Honestly, the whole thing made me laugh. Then the following night, some people decided to throw a rave party in the space across the hall. The whole place ended up stinking like cigarettes, and random people would wander by my door and bang into it. Then I’d hear a girl come running over to collect them. I guess these raves aren’t really supposed to be going on in there, but they do it anyway. I was a little nervous about that. They had a mattress just laying out in the hallway and there were some people that were completely incapacitated. This went on until 4AM, and finally I decided I couldn’t take anymore so I called it a night.
I felt so freaking awkward leaving that night. I had my slimming skinnies, a long Hurley hoodie and my bear paw boots. I looked totally chic and all these fucked up ravers were checking me out. I looked behind me after I was almost out and literally everyone was staring at me hardcore. They probably didn’t expect to see anyone there that late so I’m sure it caught them off guard. I’m not sure why, but that was like one of the only times I’ve ever felt really nervous. I had no idea what they were taking and it was kind of scary.
It was definitely worth it however, because now I’m all caught up at work! We make over $3000 in profit off each one of these machines, and we’re now looking to manufacture some of our own devices. The routers in these things cost $700 each, and the idea here is to create MORE profit. I’m also learning how to do the debugging and programming too so that eventually I’ll just be in charge of the entire Micro-LAM process. I’m really excited about this because I’m good at it and my boss wants me to manage Helm Automation down the road
As rough as some of the parts of my new life has been, I feel like just working for Phil has made up for it. He is a really good genuine person and has never once gave me an issue for the way I dress. Honestly, I’ve been pretty fem’d out a few times when he came in. I noticed he was kind of looking at me and stuff, probably trying to figure out if I had makeup on, and I did. Really, you gotta do your best to find people that accept you. If I was still working construction, I would have been completely grilled and persecuted. The tech-industry is probably a much better fit for me in the long run and I think the day I fully realized that was at our company Christmas party. I almost didn’t go, but I’m really glad I did. I actually had a great time.
Anyway, I just wanted to share Sassy the dominatrix with ya and show off my work skills and that’s mainly because I mean’t what I said about taking caring of you. Whenever you decide the time is right, I’d love to help you pay off your student loans and stuff. Making money and trying to provide is the like the one thing in life that I am actually capable of doing so I push myself ten times harder than most people because I feel like I need to compensate for being a transgender person.
I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck and be a slave to companies that make profits in collecting interest so I want to make money, and I mean like real money. And speaking of interest, the rates they charge for transgender operations is just downright sickening. This work is a joke. They literally create ways to put people who already suffer in more debt. I’ve read an article about it and a high percentage of transgender people don’t own houses because they invest their money into these services and they struggle to pay the loans off, then it ruins their credit and creates a whole lot of issues. That’s never going to happen to me. I’m a human being, not a fucking slave…. except for when it comes to you Jas, I’ll slaver day and night to make you happy, baby. This does include putting on a crotchless bodystocking and making all your fantasies come true, but if you ever want some good advice for the future, just slap my ass fairly hard and say, “thanks babe”. That’ll go a long way with me. 🙂
When I first started this transgender acceptance of myself, I felt totally excited, like a kid. It’s something I haven’t felt in a really long time, but I’m glad it happened. During this time, I found myself enjoying the adventure I had ahead of me. I watched all sorts of videos and began making my plans into a new life, and I had planned all this solely based on my overwhelming emotions.
I think reality hit me when I realized I couldn’t really do the HRT and stuff since it kills your potency as a male. Then I thought I would just do the rest, but fate it seems has stopped me in my tracks. The whole real issue is the fact I can’t get rid of my beard. I did laser hair removal on my entire body and up to my neck, but my face never happened because this girl, Allison, stopped me. It was my first appointment and I was laughing internally about my beard and b-day party dream. I told myself, if that’s real then something would stop me from lasering the hair off my face, and she did.
It wasn’t just only a professional courtesy, but also something she felt strongly about. This girl DID NOT want to do it. She literally spent 5 minutes talking me out of it, and because it’s me we’re talking about here, she won quite easily. No contest. I give myself some credit because I actually listened to what she said, and because she’s a girl, I thought about Jas. It put me into a position I needed to be in, and I’m glad it happened. I think mainly she opened up to me about this because we’ve had some rather deep conversations and whatnot, but it was probably for the better.
I think all of this is enough for Jas to take in on its own. Being a transgender is one thing, but actually doing it is another. I know she’s a regular kinda girl and stuff, and she’s straight and likes men, so I accepted that somewhere along the way, and pretty much just left out that little detail to keep this blog fun and educational, but also entertaining. So I want you to know Jas, I’m not gonna be strutting all wide-hipped with the two girls bouncing when you decide to come into this picture.
I’m doing that because it’s HUGELY important, and I couldn’t ever just go ahead and put all of that on you without actually knowing how you feel about it. I’m not sure if any of that actually matters to you, but I know there’s a good chance that it does. I would really, really love to do it, but doing what’s needed to ensure proper care is taken of your needs in life is my FIRST and FOREMOST priority. I’m also fairly sure that you can handle me not having leg hair and stuff, but from what I’ve been told, the face is a big deal. It changes the way you look permanently. So I didn’t do it.
If however it does turn out that I’m some kind of loony toon, well then I guess I’ll go ahead and do it. What would it matter by then anyway? I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t, but either way I shouldn’t even really think about that kinda thing. Ya know, and if I did, I’m not sure how my family would handle it. I know it would hurt my dad the most. He has been going on about how I’m the last male in the family and I need to pass on the family name and be man and find a woman and blah blah blah and I’m always like, “sorry dad I’m worthless, dickless, etc”.
Anyway, I know this isn’t much, but I felt like I should at least say it. I’m not going to do anything crazy until after my 33rd birthday. If I turn 33 and I still feel this fucking way, then I guess I’ll just end my maleness. It’s better than offing myself at least. I hate to understand the reasons why a transgender person would actually feel like this, but I totally do and there’s nothing I can do about it. Every woman in my life has only amplified this feeling, and the long term use of drugs and alcohol left me completely empty on the inside. Let it go long enough, and it’ll just eat you away from the inside out, and ya know, I’ve worked way to hard to turn my life around and just give it all up, but when I get really down on myself, this is how I end up feeling.
vii. The Final Ride
August 8th, 2016 — Brian’s Journal, “Jasby and Truck Dream”
I will never forget the moment I lost all hope. It was after I knew I wouldn’t be seeing Jasmine anymore. I laid down on the couch to take a nap after some much needed crying, and before I hit REM, I went into paralysis and floated away into a dark forest with massively tall red oaks. I was flying over a twisting and turning road through the darkness, and then I slowed down as I saw headlights from an oncoming truck. Then the cameras zoomed in as it approached and I saw two passengers in a black truck. I saw a guy with a darker skin complexion driving, and I saw Jasmine in the passenger seat. It was pitch black dark and a sharp turn came about, and the camera spun around the truck and went through the woods.
I remember feeling ill like I wanted to vomit. I did not like this guy for some reason. I started shaking and trying to fight the dream to escape it, but it held me in. As I zipped through the forest, I approached the vehicle as it was coming around the bend for another glimpse. I could see the dawn setting and the light begin to rise on the horizon as I came back towards the truck. As the truck drew closer, I remember feeling like I was squinting to try and see really hard, and then as I floated through the vehicle, I saw myself driving the truck out of the woods with Jas in the passenger seat. Jasmine had this strange half-smile smirk on her face as she just stared off up into the sky, and as for me, well I barely recognized myself. I looked completely relieved, care-free and at ease. It was by far the best dream I ever had. I will never forget the look on her face.
After I saw them drive off into a beautiful sunset, I began to wake, with my arms flopping and legs kicking and I came rolling off the couch hard. I looked up as I got up off the floor, and there was a cabin life magazine lying there. On the front cover, were the words, “Inspiration for the deep woods traveler”.
Two months later, I got chills all the way down my spine when I bought the truck of my dreams.
My new shoes from DK are pretty fabulous. I’ve really been looking forward to dress up and have some fun, but life is pretty overwhelming at the moment. My work load for the next two weeks is pretty heavy, but I’m hoping after that I’ll be able to find some place special to express the things I’ve been needing to convey. All in due time, but for now I have some random things to throw down. I would consider this piece more like a cocktail. It’s got a mixer, a liquor and some fruit in it. Hopefully it all goes down easy.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, so I decided to address it. I had a sleuth of visions in my bed this week and they really stand out above the rest. I saw a hand shake, a girl’s nose and lips, an open hand made of gold, and a girl’s hands folded like she was praying. I really felt touched by it, and after my last post, my short-term anxiety just up and vanished. It’s rather ironic that I use anxiety to make advances in spirituality, but honestly that’s how it works. The acronym of HOW is a great way to explain HOW relationships need to work in order to be successful in such endeavors.
If I’m picturing the things behind the scenes clearly and correctly, then I would only imagine that natural curiosity would arise. If you were suddenly convinced of a truth you’ve been battling with, then you would gradually begin to enter the stage of acceptance. With acceptance comes many things, but the most important thing to realize is that you’re not alone in this. Acceptance is always a two way street. It was exactly like this for me, but I had to figure it out on my own. It really becomes quite apparent when you find people that accept you for who you are, and not for who you pretend to be.
The first thing I did was wonder what it would be like and also what people would think. I struggled with the whole notion on epic proportions. Seriously, when I found myself walking into Joost vapor while Jas was surrounded by a bunch of kids, I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. My gut instinct’s reaction while contemplating the outcome was rejection followed by humiliation. She fulfilled the prophesy of my worried heart with ease. What can I say? She was right all along. She was way too young for me. Honestly, what the hell was I thinking?
When I ask myself, what’s that special number? What’s the youngest age you could probably go for? Well, I could probably get to know a girl that was at least 22. It would have to be pretty casual though, more like being really good friends. As far as commitment goes, well I know for a fact that I couldn’t get into anything really serious until she’s 23, but if she’s honest and open with me and still willing by the time she turns 24, well then, I would marry her in a heartbeat. At least from what I’ve gathered, that’s the plan here.
This girl probably worries about the future way too much. She probably feels a lot like I did and she probably went ahead and tried to take some shortcuts in life to try and blend in with the world, but she’s smart enough not to fall for that. Just as she told me how proud she was of me when I hit ten months of sobriety, I’ll tell her how proud I am of her for remaining strong during those following ten months she waited in anticipation for her plan’s in life to unfold.
I’m not a mathematician, but I saw “23m” while wondering how long it would be before I got to speak with the light of my life again, and I saw that. I knew 23 months would be a long time, but I kept my faith regardless. Sorry for being somewhat cryptic honey, but everything has its own perfect timing in life. Life’s plan is also full ironies, but we must do our best to accept them or else everything is just a simple meaningless coincidence, and I say fuck that. Besides, everything will look much more beautiful when the sparks fly and rockets are blasting into the night sky. It’s all perfect on the outside, but it’s vastly more important as to what’s changed on the inside.
This transformation and progress we yearn to develop is all meant to create safer waters for us to harbor in. Have you ever been told, “you are your own worst enemy?” If I were to go out and get smashed tomorrow and fall back into my own ways, it would compromise all the hard work I’ve done in life. If we ever thought to ourselves, “we’ll just skip the darkness and march into the brighter days ahead”, then we would probably make mistakes in lessons that we could’ve learned during the times where we should’ve been more patient. I don’t want to put a timeline on anything other than what’s at the forefront, and that’s the fact that you should do what your heart tells you, when you feel the time is right. If you can’t open yourself up to me face to face, then it is not the time. You’ll know it when it happens, trust me. It’ll be obvious.
What to Expect
Breaking the ice with me is going to be the easiest thing in the world to do. You get to undoubtedly spend the rest of your life making fun of me for wearing panties. You could go out of your way to be a feminine girly fairy creature and say things to me that would make any man become uncomfortable, and yet I will have no choice but to lie back and take it. It’ll be this way because I get turned on by it. Once a female discovers this ultimate vulnerability about me, she becomes empowered by it and realizes her ultimate power over me. This simple little exploit has caused me more grief than I care to remember, but it is the reason why the seasons keep changing in a world without your face in my life.
As for expectations in life, I will be totally honest with you about this. Don’t have any! When we build expectations in life and do not live up to them on our time, we create disappointment in our minds. You must do your best to accept the hand you’ve been given and take life’s hardships one day at a time. Every time I try and push myself too hard, I end up being counterproductive. I like to break down my long-term goals into little stepping stones and try to tackle the simpler things first. A “hello” or a “hand shake”, for example would be simple. You can’t put the weight of the world on your shoulders because we’re not strong enough to handle that, so the best thing to do is trust in the bigger picture and know that all things your heart desires will come to pass.
The coolest thing about me being a transgender person, is the fact that I’m actually more like a tomboy than an actual girly girl. I mean sure, I’m feminine, but I make up for that in the areas of having an analytical mind and an awesome tool collection. I took this gender role test and I was surprised at the results. I have all those qualities most women complain about men not having such as compassion, creativeness, and sensitivity. As for a male, I surprisingly have the things actually needed to be a man where it counts most in life, and that’s ambition and drive. Honestly, taking this silly little test made me feel really good about myself.
I have a lot of mixed emotions regarding the view of transgender people. I can’t stand to watch the drag queen shows on TV. I find those “women” to be kind of on the tacky side. And the ads I’ve been seeing for NY Queens or whatever, is downright obnoxious. I hate how media lets these people go out and flaunt fake plastic shit like this because that’s not how it is. I have a couple resources online I hang out in, and I can say these people have had terribly difficult lives. A lot of them are actually shy like me, and they’re really good people with big hearts. It just makes me sick to see this crap all over the TV. It doesn’t address any of the real issues. It focuses on controversial shit that makes us the laughing stock of the world and sells more commercials to the dumb-downed idiots known as Americans. It deeply insults me as a person knowing that 45% of people with transgender-related issues have admitted to attempting suicide. And what, watching a bunch of assholes glorify it on TV is supposed to make me feel better? It’s one huge cruel joke.
Okay, so I’ve had 3 girlfriends in my life, and yes that means I’ve only had sex with 3 women because I am not a skank and I’ve never ever been the sleeping around type, and I never will be!! I’ve actually turned a couple girls down that were ready to go simply because I’m an emotional person. If I am not in love, my pants do not come off. After they do come off however, the girl pretty much always knows that something is different about me than other men, and by that I mean I can’t really fuck her in the way she would normally expect. I’ve lived my entire life with this mentality that women are the ones in charge. So if you can understand what I’m saying here, there’s a lot more kissing involved than usual.
Then girls ask me if I’m gay and make fun of me and laugh and kiss me and stuff, and I totally like it. Of my three ex’s, one of them are not actually evil. It didn’t work out because she was too much of a lover and liked to cheat on me with other girls. I guess when she got drunk and tried to make out with my sister one night, well um, ya know I just couldn’t deal with that anymore, so I had to break up with her. Her name was Chelsea and she was really nice and good for me in a lot of ways, and other than trying to kiss my sister, I don’t have any complaints about her. And as far as my best friend, well I pretty much just sucked his dick a few times. Then one day he asked me if he could suck my dick, and I told him I had to go. For some reason it just seemed gay and didn’t interest me. Haven’t seen him since, but we still text each other sometimes. So ya that’s my damage, 3 girls and a guy that used to be straight until he met me so now he’s gay. Also, my best friend and my evil ex are also ex’s, so there’s also that little complication, but that’s not a story for tonight.
When it comes to sex, it’s totally not a complicated thing for me. I’m turned on by the same things as most men and women, except I tend to get a bit more elaborate in my ways because I have the sexuality of a man and woman combating each other day and night. It’s straight up exhausting to try and put a label on it. I feel that’s probably quite normal too since we all base our desires on our past experiences and innermost fantasies, but I’m a pretty regular person when it comes to that kind of thing. Though, I had a girl in the past bring up the possibility of a dildo and I went into thinking that could be fun using it on her, but to my surprise, she seemed to have been planning to use it on me. Girls are like God’s kinkiest of creations, and apparently I’m one of them. Luckily, I’ve been on the closeted side with my transgenderness, so honestly, that’s something that’s going to be a totally new experience for me and I can honestly be thankful for that because it’s something to look forward to.
Who, Who Who??
In closing, I would like to now state the obvious question at hand. Who is Jas? I’m honestly very curious. I know she’s a college girl and works for an electronic cigarette manufacturing company. I know she’s from Midland and is studying psychology, but all that stuff is just what’s on the surface. I have went above and beyond to share every little thing about myself. I’ve shared my secrets, my desires, my fears, my goals, my hopes and my dreams. I have finally let it all out today, and there’s nothing really left. There is no more Mystery of Brian Kennedy left on the table. The book is wide open and it’s time for me to get to know the one person that actually matters to me in life. I suppose that too is a Story for another day, but I look forward to it every single night before I fall asleep. It’s a feeling that never ever leaves my side. It’ll always be there until Mystery Girl decides she cannot bear it anymore and come into this thing with an open mind, a forgiving heart and honest intentions.
Well, I’m off to bed. Sweet dreams, good night and always remember to LOOK UP 🙂
There’s a pretty good saying in life about the past and the future. I’ve heard it both in Alcoholics Anonymous and Buddhist philosophy. When you dwell in the past, you receive depression and when you worry about the future, you create anxiety. The idea here is to discover inner peace and live gracefully in the present moment. If only it were that easy, we would all be living blissfully. To overcome the past, you must reconcile with the parts tearing you up inside. The problem with the future is created when you’re unhappy with your past and stuck on making it all better. This whole process of grief and healing brought me to a place where I would never want to return. I am much better off where I’m at right now than I will ever be; it’s a fact!
For me, the worst agonizing type of anxiety I have ever experienced takes place when I develop feelings of intimacy for the opposite sex. It wasn’t always like this for me, but after many tragic events broke me down into nothing, I eventually became so damaged inside that I couldn’t experience desire as it was naturally intended. I don’t wish to relive those feelings because they are downright dehumanizing, but I’ll never forget it. Some of the longest nights of my life were spent back in that place, and I used drugs and alcohol to chase them away, but when I sobered up, I got smarter about it.
I told myself I would wait until one year of sobriety before I would even consider the idea of falling for a female. I knew how absolutely fragile I was and the thought of possibly dying over it scared me. This is really a sad thing, but I cannot fall in love or even contemplate opening up emotionally without suffering absolute anguish and despair. Something that was intended to be pure and beautiful in life is simply a curse to me.
When I first took notice of this spiritual thing guiding me towards a potential love in my waking life, I grew very nervous. I remember the very first time I texted her on messenger while in class. The moment after it happened, the fear set in. I felt pressured to do so in some way so it evolved regardless of my own instincts. This is the part of the Story where I bring another from the past into the picture. Her name was Amanda and she was 9 years younger than me.
I met Amanda at a 2nd shift job I had. She was a Grand Valley girl and was the first female to try and awaken my intimate side after the tragedy with my ex. There’s not really much needed to tell the story I want to tell, but it led to where I needed to be. I can still recall all the sleepless nights. I remember the agony like a knife stabbing into my neck. I lost months of sleep and the anxiety pushed me too far. She was just too young and I really hesitated a lot with her. I tried telling her I was broken, but she was persistent. Then when I finally let my guard down and opened up, it was too late. The whole thing was full of mixed messages, games and secrets. I never got any good answers from any of it.
How can I say it without saying it? That feeling nearly killed me. I still remember waking up feeling all concussed when I realized what I had done. I drank a pint of whiskey, maybe a fifth and a 12 pack of beer, then I chugged a bottle of NyQuil and went for a drive. I had nowhere to be and I was fucked up to the point of no return, and I knew it, but I just didn’t care. I took the back roads and was driving at a suicidal speed. I knew what could happen, but I didn’t care. When I woke up and discovered there wasn’t a scratch on me and saw how mangled the car was, it was like a sign from God. I still remember the dream about running from the police. The way the light bent in the dark from the headlights of the cars. It felt like the dance of immortality. The power and the strength I had, was unbelievable. Then to experience those exact same feelings in the middle of the night with K9’s and patrol cars scouting the area, well it was alarming.
Here’s the irony in it all. Two weeks before I rolled my car, I was sitting at my desk during break time at work telling Amanda about this exact dream. She gave me a very serious look and she said, “I don’t care what anyone says about this kinda stuff, but that MEANS something. You need to figure it out because someone’s trying to tell you something.” Then a few days after our conversation, I fell asleep one night and had a dream about Amanda. I was chasing her in circles around a black truck, and she was laughing and just playing with me. Then I fell down and got hurt. A week later, she put a huge hole in my heart and I fucking totaled my car over it because I was emotionally incapable of dealing with these feelings. It was a reckless date with fate.
After a short duration with the feelings I had for Jasmine, it was like reliving the hell all over again. This time though, I had no booze or pot. I was pushing towards a total relapse, but something kept me from doing that. This time was different. Jasmine straight up hated me and she told me. Other than being really nice and kinda flirty this one time, she really went out of her way to express how much she completely detested me as a person. The things she said downright fucking offended me as a person, and not to mention, she had like no hesitance in just freaking laying it on me. She didn’t even feel bad. She didn’t even really know me as a person well enough to develop the comfort to say such things in that fashion, but she did it anyway. I may have troubled myself brutally trying to figure it out, but one thing was crystal clear: she felt completely comfortable with shoving me right off a cliff. She was judge, jury and executioner. Never in my 32 years of existence have I ever received such words from a female unless her and I were already sleeping together. It fucking blew my mind.
Anyway, there is nothing in the world that could ever makeup for the entire year of sleep I lost over Jasmine Bechtel. She fucked with my head on a whole new level. I would convince myself that I loved her one day, then tell myself I hated her the next. They say that the devil is in the details of all of this. It was a pretty cunning idea to sabotage the one person that was solemnly keeping it all together for me. I was shattered into a million broken ass little pieces. After enough time with brutalizing anxiety and terrorizing episodes of manic depression, your mind just ends up breaking down. I was so fucked up on the inside, that I ended up losing my job over it. I got laid off because I couldn’t focus on anything. I couldn’t perform a simple task without forgetting what I was doing. I had people asking me constantly, “what the fuck is wrong with you?” “Brian, are you okay? Do you need to go home?”
OK. NOW PAUSE ||
Whew. Okay, now I just took a deep breath and thanked God that I’m here in the present. I will never go into the full black details of this shit stain in the confines of time simply because it makes me want to die.
The depression and the anxiety come with the setbacks regarding YOUR PATH IN LIFE. The anxiety occurs during the parts where you’re not progressing spiritually as a person, so the past just keeps haunting you as a reminder to go forth. Sometimes it feels easier just to do your own thing and tell yourself that your happy alone, but isolation is never the answer. There’s a million things that lead you astray and the further you wander off, the worse the anxiety becomes. I know because I had the anxiety over “my Princess”, for a solid year straight. It became very intrusive and interrupting of my life, and my will to commit suicide was never stronger than during this time in my life. It was like the Great Wall of China blocking my path. I was trapped and had nowhere to go.
The cure I needed to move forward was locked inside of me. Once I discovered it, I took some time to figure things out. The anxiety was still there though. Then one night I had a dream about the Grand Valley clock and it said 6:45pm. The following day, I see Jasmine at Meijer. I spend my time trying to put the pieces together, then about four days later I was pulling in to GV to go to AA, and it was like 6:30pm. I parked where I would see that clock and I just sat there. I had this text on my phone I was gonna send her and then I remembered the random fucking photos I posted on my old blog that previous weekend. I pulled up my phone, modified it a bit and pasted in my text message into the blog post. Then I heard the bells chime and I looked up at the clock and it said 6:45, so I sent the text and never looked back. I was so scared of what she might do that I literally turned my phone off for two hours.
That was 9 months ago…. and I have to say that I am fucking thankful. The anxiety fucking left me. I got a better job, and I got a raise and I’ve been doing the best work I’ve ever done. I’ve been moving forward as a person and moving towards being at peace in the moment. This all happened because I did what the dreams instructed me to do. I know for a fact if I had to go through that pitch black hellish anxiety for any more given time than I had already done, I would have just simply put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger.
I’m fucking alive because of a spiritual intervention, dude… so if you ever feel that darkness just creep into your life when you’re down, just fucking know it’s there to challenge you. It’s there to stop you from being happy. It wants to keep you in that place you’ve been dying to escape from. And it’s pretty fucking cunning. It will do anything to try and blame the darkness on someone else other than yourself. That’s how it defeats women, but as for men, it makes us blame ourselves. Wouldn’t that have been tragic?
There’s a reaper standing in between us. It blocks our path in life. It wants us to fail. It wants us to give up and hate each other and push the blame elsewhere, but the truth is that we BOTH made mistakes. Our mistakes in life is what makes us human, and our forgiveness of our mistakes is what makes us divine. Embrace the pressure of this message because you’re gonna need it if you ever want to leap forward into the moment that’s been created solemnly for us. I won’t let anyone in the world get in between us. And if I have to pray every night and beg and plead, I will. I will do so because I keep my promises and I don’t surrender to anything but the light. I know black licorice tastes like shit but sometimes you gotta eat a shit sandwich so you know what shit tastes like, that way when you bite into a sweet little cherry, you’ll actually appreciate the blessings you’ve received in life. Then you’ll know the difference between death and life. I say this only because you rejected the one person that will unconditionally love you for the rest of your life, whether in sickness and despair, grief and sorrow, alive or dead.
iv. THE CURTAIN CALL
It took me a long time to write this post because I don’t really know how to put something like this into words. The scope of the spiritual implications in life is risky business. We live in a world where science and religion are combative with each other and they should be coinciding with one another. They go hand in hand. Psychology and spirituality could really be the same thing if you just read between the lines. The ancients used nature to depict character and foreshadow concepts of morality in a world that is constantly changing, but yet never evolving and that’s because nature itself always remains the same.
The book of Revelation delivers an entirely pure psychoanalysis to the reader, but the reader is not fully aware of this. The symbols and actions all depict a time of turmoil and a great conflict in the world around you. That is why I read the book of Revelation about 63 different times. My apocalypse has already happened inside of my mind. I learned the scope of my limitations. I accepted my poisons in life and I threw them away. It is “Good Fruit” that the Spirit is looking for. I saw these two cherries on a cherry tree and in front of them was a hand with scissors, preparing to cut them off. A pair of cherries like this must be ripening to become desirable enough to require delicacy before they are harvested. Just think about all the time and care that has gone into this, and how the moment when they are plucked will be done and over within the twinkle of an eye. Life is precious and life is short. Don’t take any of it for granted, Jasmine. Love is the only cure for life and you are my medicine.
When I spell it out like that, it seems pretty bad. I had this strange dream thing awhile back when I saw myself looking girly and drinking a cocktail. I thought to myself, “there’s no way in fuck that’s gonna happen”. Little did I know, it was a metaphor about denying myself for who I am. A momentary denial of identity crisis. I suppose it’s a natural occurrence though, as I’ve read many gender confused people have had these episodes. I sure can relate to the whole going back and forth, but walking into Cabela’s with the intention to purchase a pair of a man’s man pants brought me down to a whole new level.
I was pissed off to begin with over the fact that my dad got me a Cabela’s gift card. How charade is that? It was a downright embarrassing experience for me. While walking around the store, I felt a staggering glare of red neck eyes gouging me out. “What is this fem little bitch doing here”, they thought among themselves. I felt pretty weird shopping there, like I was almost unwelcome. It was even more unsettling to actually get in line at the fitting room, which was right between the women’s and men’s clothing.
Once I got into the fitting room and actually slithered my way into the God-awful coarse and grainy textured atrocity known as men’s pants, it became quite apparent that this was a lost cause. I tore them off my legs like they were made out of molten lava and chucked them brutally into the huge pile of shit lying on the floor, then I walked my ass out of there and simply said, “fuck this shit, I’m going home”. The pants were so uncomfortable and they looked horrible on me. They felt so baggy and disgusting, I contemplated bringing them over to the camping section and soaking them with lighter fluid so I could burn them in the store.
This moment has honestly been building. I’ve become aware of the people around me, and I’ve also heard of what some people say behind my back. Fairy seems to be the most popular choice of words with people these days. I know a few people that call me that now. The first time my dad said it, I laughed it off and said “Awww thanks dad, fairies are sooo magical.” It’s just a bit upsetting when other people you’ve previously thought were cool with you, also use it. Either way, I’ve convinced myself as a man myself that that’s just what men do. They talk about women crudely as well, and I’ve listened to it all my life. Guys call people names because they’re guys, whatever. They are always being demeaning because it makes them feel more manly inside as they lack true security in their own nature.
Guy at work: “Oh hey Brian, are you gonna go to Forever 21 this weekend and shop for girl’s jeans”?
Me: “No, I don’t really care for the jeans there.
I always act as if it’s a normal conversation for me, and I’ve started to notice that the strategy works. They say shit like this because they want me to get emotional about it and overreact, so I’ve become a thief of thunder.
Boss at work: “Don’t only women typically get their nose pierced, Brian?”
Me: “Tupac Shakur…. Lenny Kravitz”
Boss: “Say no more.”
Oh and my favorite is when I walked into the break room after lunch, and some fat douche bag mumbles out, “Here she comes!”
That pissed me off enough to pretty much delete my facebook account entirely. I know fucking people look each other up on that shit, so I’m done with it now.
What’s not cool is when someone you don’t even know starts shit. It was my like my 2nd day of class for Electrical 05, and this guy and his buddy kept using the word “faggot”. They kept talking about this faggot like non-stop and it was pretty obvious, childish and super annoying as well. Every goddamn time they talked about something, they would use the word faggot. I turned right around after awhile and just stared at him hard and cold for like a solid minute. After that, he stopped using the word faggot.
So um ya, I had this dream last night about a Goose taking shelter in its tent, then someone came in and hit it in the neck with a golf club. I felt this huge wave of emotion over it, and I started crying. I went out into the woods looking for it, and after some searching, I was relieved to find it. It was hurt, but it didn’t die. It got away with a wound. Honestly, that about sums it for me too. This shit fucking hurts. I’m not sure whether I’m just gonna run and hide or come back in full force and become the Greatest Magical Fairy to fly high over these black shit-headed clouds that seem to be all over the fucking place.
I guess I am just a fucking gay goose with a broken neck cuz I wear chic jeans and don’t fuck girls because they hate me. Goddamit, that sounds a like a horrible life. Fuck, I wouldn’t wish it upon my own worst enemy. I already suffer 24/7, so why do people gotta re-stab open my old wounds over and over again??????
iii. Enter the Midnight Queen
The clock struck quarter to, and the bells chimed. A nerve struck my heart and I knew the Time was near. We can’t be late and we cannot fuck this up. Every single last piece needs to come together so the puzzle may be complete. There are things that need to be addressed and mysteries that need solving. There are questions that need answers and doors that need opened. Will you find the right key to open it, or get lost in the fuzzy haze of pumpkin patches along the way?
Remember Cinderella’s hot ass slippers? She’ll be wearing them at midnight with stars around her body and her toes pressing the metal. There is no way in hell I’m going to be a fag anymore, and Sleeping Beauty knows just how to solve Cinderella’s little problem. It’ll be the sweetest party of them all, but first thing’s first. She needs to wake the fuck up, and I have the perfect solution for that. It’s a little something called a Spiritual Awakening. Something like this seems pretty epic, so I changed my mind about the shoes at the last minute. I’m going to put on a dress, tights and heels, then take some hot ass photos. After all, this is pretty goddamn important being that it’s the first photo shoot of the same year that a Princess enters her passage into becoming a Queen.
2018 <– LOOK UP, doll face 🙂Unless of course, you just don’t have the balls.
^^This chic’s got balls. What’s your excuse, honey?
I really have done my best to keep negative energy from slithering into the protected portions of these pages, but life sure does have it’s ups and downs. I genuinely find a lot of inspiration from the most random things, but then usually I suffer a super low in between the moments that bring forth light. No matter what you do in this world, you are exposed to the influences around you. From there, you just take what you can and hope others around you will receive it too. The masks people wear can sometimes be downright scary, and other times overly inviting. How can you truly ever know what’s really going on behind the scenes?
Honestly, it feels pretty damn ironic just asking myself that question because I am not everyone else. I am just Brian, and I have a knack for finding the hidden answers to some of life’s most puzzling questions. But hey, not everyone has the will nor humility to reach out through the power of prayer, but it is truly their loss. I have talked about perception consistently throughout this blog and also at my AA meetings when I was still going. Perception is not for the faint of heart, that is why the spiritual realm refers to it as “the third eye–indigo chakra”, and sadly many people’s spiritual eye is seamlessly sealed shut.
Knowing what people secretly think about you can be utterly troubling. It’s their hidden thoughts and they do not openly reveal them, but yet through meditation I’ve developed a fuller understanding of people, and honestly, sometimes the truth is just an obvious one. They may simply judge someone because they don’t like what they see, but yet they perceive not the afflictions that are causing a person’s own indifference, and that fact alone should make everyone want to reach out and have a little bit of compassion. Oh well, what can I do about it?
They say knowledge is power and wisdom is grief and sorrow, but it’s knowing the reasons why that are unsettling. This is simply the truth about why humanity avoids that emotional sector at all costs. It’s just simply easier not to care, and because I do so truly; I stand awkwardly between social blunder and materialistic avoidance. It goes without a doubt to say, it’s a fucked up world we’re living in.
I could go on about the details and situations, but I find myself more appreciative when I sum it all up into a mysterious and articulate fashion. It won’t ever stop me from moving forward and that’s because this bittersweet poet’s pendulum never stops ticking. I am as consistent as time itself. Welcome to the Greatest Show on Earth, now dig down deep and find your buried treasure. Trust me, your fucking shrapnel is made of gold. Those scars alone will kill the enigmas haunting you, and a higher Power will breath newfound life into your soul; the unstoppable power of Love.
I decided to finally post this because of an encounter I had today, but trust me, it’s been building. It’s this girl, and um, she doesn’t have anything to do with my journey in life, but we cross paths. I have a dream about her walking her dog, then she disappears. Then I dream about the dog and it sits down before me, then she returns… but something’s different this time. Either way it represents some kind of change, and it’s this subtle essence in life we must grasp in order to read between the lines.
It’s what we can’t see or hear that we truly need to free us from an unending fog. What does it mean? Well, I figured that out tonight while meditating and doing some ass crunches. It’s really quite simple. We deceive our own hearts because we all have a desire for innocence, but that’s not the world we live in. Imagine that, a dog changes my view on someone in a matter of seconds, and because of that, I’m not walking with my head down beating myself up over superficial sentiment.
When I compare this analogy of a girl and her dog to the Princess that is and is yet to come, I find myself having no reason to despair over life’s unpleasant difficulties. It’s true, someone in High Places has went above and beyond to hold her crown-bearing head high into the clouds, and I can honestly be thankful for that. It makes sense too, because after all, self-preservation is about all you have at the end of the day. Whether torn and tattered, or high and mighty, something keeps us afloat amidst this dastardly pinnacle called life. Can ya dig yourself out of this hole, or are you just going to fucking let it bury you alive?
Just about got all my Christmas shopping done. I figured I’d be a bit merrier this year, so I went out and bought really nice gifts. It honestly felt really good. I usually always just panic and buy little things like chocolates and candy, wine, etc. This year though, I went to Jared and got my mom a really nice purple sparkling butterfly charm for her Pandora bracelet. She told me she wanted my sister and I to pick a charm out for her, and to get something that would remind her of us. The butterfly just seemed so perfectly fitting.
I’ve been pretty busy lately between both jobs and my maintenance routine. It feels like it’s been forever since I was just able to chill for a moment and do absolutely nothing, and the idea of it is very relieving. I got the next 5 days off and goddamn, I sure fucking need it. I also got a bonus today too, and honestly it was quite a bit more than I would have expected being a newer employee, but hey I like surprises. I suppose I’ll have to buy myself something special this year, and ya know, I really know for certain that I absolutely have earned it. 🙂
I want to feel spectacular and present myself in a new light. I have been saving some hot rainbow fishnets to go with a future outfit, and just in the nick of time, Dollskill delivers. I got the very last one in stock too. Go me!
I undoubtedly have a thing for sheer mesh. It’s just freaking awesome to wear and is aesthetically pleasing. I’ve really been looking for rainbow wear that’s not over the top, and with all the black, it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. Then of course, I have to browse through the shoes. I have a whole list of footwear that I want, and I plan to fill a closet someday full of them, but for now I just need something to give me my fix. Something new, something different, but totally hot as fuck.
These are Daredevil Chain Heels by Current Mood. They are totally rocking my taste in style, but also changing things up a bit by going with white. I love black a lot, but I feel like these shoes will take on the world by collaborating properly with some black apocalyptic leggings, or perhaps even some utterly shredded and destroyed leggings underlined with rainbow fishnets. The possibilities are endlessly left up to the imagination.
I could totally spend a small fortune on shoes alone, and I’ve thought this through. I definitely should not ever buy cheap shoes. In fact, I should only commit to them if they are in the $100 range or higher, otherwise I feel like they’re probably not worth buying. I recently threw away anything I didn’t feel was overly special. Fucking closet space is a pretty goddamn precious thing, and essentially I will probably be needing an actual shoe closet in the near future.
Aside that from all that, I’ve been investing in a lot of clothing. I recently got my first kangaroo style hoodie, and OMFG, it’s like the best thing ever! I’ve also been buying better leggings and a wide assortment of stockings and tights. I feel like those are important building blocks to any outfit, and honestly I could survive living on hoodies and tight pants for the rest of my life. As for my past attire, well it’s about to get kicked to the curb soon. I am down to owning one men’s hoodie and five tee-shirts. I’ve pretty much replaced everything with women’s now, and it feels really great. Though of course, I had to buy a new dresser with more space and get a double tiered hanging system for my closet and some shoe cubicles, but it’s all worth it.
I will be entering 2018 with a whole new wardrobe and a fresh outlook on life. I’m also 70% complete with my hair removal process and I feel like I’m progressing in the areas of my life that need attention. $5000 in services, $5000 in a new room and clothing and another $10,000 in my truck. That’s 20k the new me sucked up this year. After that though, it gets really fucking expensive. Hip augmentation, $8000. B-cup Breast augmentation, $6500. They have loads of other services, but I’m not looking to actually be a woman so I won’t be needing those. In reality, my aim is to simply pass as a female when I want to, and then be Brian when I need to. After all, my hopes and dreams in life require a great amount of flexibility in order to achieve them.
Anyway, I haven’t done much with this blog lately, but I’m hoping to. I recently upgraded to a private cloud server in order to fulfill some future Internet ventures, but also bought a bad ass iMac with dual screens. I plan on investing my time, which is limited, in many places. I have lots to say. I have lots to do. It’s just really a matter of finding the right words… because explaining the things I intend to put into perspective soon, just isn’t going to be easy. So for now, I’ll just preclude what’s necessary in order to get back on my feet again. A lot has happened, and to be honest, it’s pretty fucking complicated.
It’s exactly what comes to mind when I try to visualize the world around me. It can be a normal day and every thing seems dreary, then suddenly the look on a stranger’s face leaves you with an ill sitting feeling. Since I have been venturing out into uncharted territory as a new person, I have quickly learned there are more monsters stirring amongst us than I previously would have guessed.
For the most part, people seem fine, but it’s the cold hearted assholes that think they know everything that rub me the wrong way. They think they have all the answers, but their shallow minds are the very danger that leads people into unfortunate situations. My whole view on ignorance is a simple one. If you walk about with only the ability to perceive yourself, then you are already dead. If you cannot open your mind to the conscious world, then how will your heart ever actually beat?
It’s something I just finally realized after the haze of acceptance burned off of me; the world is mostly cold and loveless. Most people don’t genuinely care… they just simply pretend to so they come off as polite. If it’s difficult, if it requires an actual human emotion, then fuck it. Walk the other way. It’s the bald headed fucker that gives me a mean-spirited glance that opens the door to completely separate reality: blind hatred.
Working in a tool and die shop with all men is quite an interesting experience. I stick out like a sore thumb. My employer even extended their HR department after my arrival. They hired their first female in our shop and added a full time receptionist, followed by a part time female machine operator and then the epic finale, a devoted HR lady in plant 2. It’s about time. There is way too much goddamn testosterone in that place.
I’ve been surrounded with innuendo geared towards indirect conversations about “identifying”, stories about an employee who transitioned at X’s old company and the banning of the word “shemale”. It is a persistent little traveler. Well I guess when you wear women’s jeans, mascara and walk around with a stud in your nose, I suppose it makes people curious. My favorite is the conversations about shaving. Why do people fucking ask me about my hygiene routine, WTF, for real??
I have experienced some very important lessons so far in my journey. The old Brian would have lashed out a bit and probably would have made some poor choices as well, but I feel this restraint and open-mindedness that lives inside of me and never leaves. I ask myself, is this guy a dumb fucking hick, or is he just having trouble understanding? So I take a deep breath, and just remind myself there’s a place inside of us that no one can ever touch, and that place is there, so I just go there, but I keep listening to their voices, and slowly, but surely, I grow numb to it.
I can’t believe it, but I know what it’s like to receive sexist biases. It’s quite an unsettling and unfair feeling to behold. Every single day I just push myself to keep going, to remain calm and to think about the best response to give back. It is this awesome journey in life that’s building me into the person I’m becoming. They say it builds character, and it’ll eventually show you who you are.
I keep giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, and life keeps moving on without any waves. It’s honestly the most important tool in any human beings arsenal of weaponry, and it’s a little something called communication. Yea, converse. Don’t lecture me, and don’t put me down, otherwise you get it in return. I am one who responds out of emotion, so I’ve retrained myself to process it first. If you’re angry at someone and you tell them to fuck off a bunch, but then respond properly to one request that is actually reasonable, it goes a long fucking way.
Today I am happy to say it. I am not part of the zombie outbreak. When I run into an ugly fuck and I think about shooting it down, I try to check it out and make sure it’s not undead. Imagine that… a transexual that doesn’t judge people. I want the same in return, but I finally realized that something like that’s not ever actually going to happen.
I get to live the rest of my life with this feeling now. Accepting myself for who I am was only the beginning. There’s a lot more happening when it comes to the bigger picture. It’s all too much to handle. It’s too much to grasp at once. All I can do is find the positive in people. That’s literally the only thing that gets me through the day. Cuz if I don’t, then I fall down again and I lose who I am all over again.
Embrace who you are; wear it like a huge banner on your forehead. I decided to not let the dark parts of life step in the way of my happiness, so I made a little video to celebrate with. There may be a little added bonus at the end of it… consider it like an early Christmas present. 😀