When I first started this transgender acceptance of myself, I felt totally excited, like a kid. It’s something I haven’t felt in a really long time, but I’m glad it happened. During this time, I found myself enjoying the adventure I had ahead of me. I watched all sorts of videos and began making my plans into a new life, and I had planned all this solely based on my overwhelming emotions.

I think reality hit me when I realized I couldn’t really do the HRT and stuff since it kills your potency as a male. Then I thought I would just do the rest, but fate it seems has stopped me in my tracks. The whole real issue is the fact I can’t get rid of my beard. I did laser hair removal on my entire body and up to my neck, but my face never happened because this girl, Allison, stopped me. It was my first appointment and I was laughing internally about my beard and b-day party dream. I told myself, if that’s real then something would stop me from lasering the hair off my face, and she did.

It wasn’t just only a professional courtesy, but also something she felt strongly about. This girl DID NOT want to do it. She literally spent 5 minutes talking me out of it, and because it’s me we’re talking about here, she won quite easily. No contest. I give myself some credit because I actually listened to what she said, and because she’s a girl, I thought about Jas. It put me into a position I needed to be in, and I’m glad it happened. I think mainly she opened up to me about this because we’ve had some rather deep conversations and whatnot, but it was probably for the better.

I think all of this is enough for Jas to take in on its own. Being a transgender is one thing, but actually doing it is another. I know she’s a regular kinda girl and stuff, and she’s straight and likes men, so I accepted that somewhere along the way, and pretty much just left out that little detail to keep this blog fun and educational, but also entertaining. So I want you to know Jas, I’m not gonna be strutting all wide-hipped with the two girls bouncing when you decide to come into this picture.

I’m doing that because it’s HUGELY important, and I couldn’t ever just go ahead and put all of that on you without actually knowing how you feel about it. I’m not sure if any of that actually matters to you, but I know there’s a good chance that it does. I would really, really love to do it, but doing what’s needed to ensure proper care is taken of your needs in life is my FIRST and FOREMOST priority. I’m also fairly sure that you can handle me not having leg hair and stuff, but from what I’ve been told, the face is a big deal. It changes the way you look permanently. So I didn’t do it.

If however it does turn out that I’m some kind of loony toon, well then I guess I’ll go ahead and do it. What would it matter by then anyway? I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t, but either way I shouldn’t even really think about that kinda thing. Ya know, and if I did, I’m not sure how my family would handle it. I know it would hurt my dad the most. He has been going on about how I’m the last male in the family and I need to pass on the family name and be man and find a woman and blah blah blah and I’m always like, “sorry dad I’m worthless, dickless, etc”.

Anyway, I know this isn’t much, but I felt like I should at least say it. I’m not going to do anything crazy until after my 33rd birthday. If I turn 33 and I still feel this fucking way, then I guess I’ll just end my maleness. It’s better than offing myself at least. I hate to understand the reasons why a transgender person would actually feel like this, but I totally do and there’s nothing I can do about it. Every woman in my life has only amplified this feeling, and the long term use of drugs and alcohol left me completely empty on the inside. Let it go long enough, and it’ll just eat you away from the inside out, and ya know, I’ve worked way to hard to turn my life around and just give it all up, but when I get really down on myself, this is how I end up feeling.

vii. The Final Ride

August 8th, 2016 — Brian’s Journal, “Jasby and Truck Dream”

I will never forget the moment I lost all hope. It was after I knew I wouldn’t be seeing Jasmine anymore. I laid down on the couch to take a nap after some much needed crying, and before I hit REM, I went into paralysis and floated away into a dark forest with massively tall red oaks. I was flying over a twisting and turning road through the darkness, and then I slowed down as I saw headlights from an oncoming truck. Then the cameras zoomed in as it approached and I saw two passengers in a black truck. I saw a guy with a darker skin complexion driving, and I saw Jasmine in the passenger seat. It was pitch black dark and a sharp turn came about, and the camera spun around the truck and went through the woods.

I remember feeling ill like I wanted to vomit. I did not like this guy for some reason. I started shaking and trying to fight the dream to escape it, but it held me in. As I zipped through the forest, I approached the vehicle as it was coming around the bend for another glimpse. I could see the dawn setting and the light begin to rise on the horizon as I came back towards the truck. As the truck drew closer, I remember feeling like I was squinting to try and see really hard, and then as I floated through the vehicle, I saw myself driving the truck out of the woods with Jas in the passenger seat. Jasmine had this strange half-smile smirk on her face as she just stared off up into the sky, and as for me, well I barely recognized myself. I looked completely relieved, care-free and at ease.  It was by far the best dream I ever had. I will never forget the look on her face.

After I saw them drive off into a beautiful sunset, I began to wake, with my arms flopping and legs kicking and I came rolling off the couch hard. I looked up as I got up off the floor, and there was a cabin life magazine lying there. On the front cover, were the words, “Inspiration for the deep woods traveler”.

Two months later, I got chills all the way down my spine when I bought the truck of my dreams.