It’s exactly what comes to mind when I try to visualize the world around me. It can be a normal day and every thing seems dreary, then suddenly the look on a stranger’s face leaves you with an ill sitting feeling. Since I have been venturing out into uncharted territory as a new person, I have quickly learned there are more monsters stirring amongst us than I previously would have guessed.
For the most part, people seem fine, but it’s the cold hearted assholes that think they know everything that rub me the wrong way. They think they have all the answers, but their shallow minds are the very danger that leads people into unfortunate situations. My whole view on ignorance is a simple one. If you walk about with only the ability to perceive yourself, then you are already dead. If you cannot open your mind to the conscious world, then how will your heart ever actually beat?
It’s something I just finally realized after the haze of acceptance burned off of me; the world is mostly cold and loveless. Most people don’t genuinely care… they just simply pretend to so they come off as polite. If it’s difficult, if it requires an actual human emotion, then fuck it. Walk the other way. It’s the bald headed fucker that gives me a mean-spirited glance that opens the door to completely separate reality: blind hatred.
Working in a tool and die shop with all men is quite an interesting experience. I stick out like a sore thumb. My employer even extended their HR department after my arrival. They hired their first female in our shop and added a full time receptionist, followed by a part time female machine operator and then the epic finale, a devoted HR lady in plant 2. It’s about time. There is way too much goddamn testosterone in that place.
I’ve been surrounded with innuendo geared towards indirect conversations about “identifying”, stories about an employee who transitioned at X’s old company and the banning of the word “shemale”. It is a persistent little traveler. Well I guess when you wear women’s jeans, mascara and walk around with a stud in your nose, I suppose it makes people curious. My favorite is the conversations about shaving. Why do people fucking ask me about my hygiene routine, WTF, for real??
I have experienced some very important lessons so far in my journey. The old Brian would have lashed out a bit and probably would have made some poor choices as well, but I feel this restraint and open-mindedness that lives inside of me and never leaves. I ask myself, is this guy a dumb fucking hick, or is he just having trouble understanding? So I take a deep breath, and just remind myself there’s a place inside of us that no one can ever touch, and that place is there, so I just go there, but I keep listening to their voices, and slowly, but surely, I grow numb to it.
I can’t believe it, but I know what it’s like to receive sexist biases. It’s quite an unsettling and unfair feeling to behold. Every single day I just push myself to keep going, to remain calm and to think about the best response to give back. It is this awesome journey in life that’s building me into the person I’m becoming. They say it builds character, and it’ll eventually show you who you are.
I keep giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, and life keeps moving on without any waves. It’s honestly the most important tool in any human beings arsenal of weaponry, and it’s a little something called communication. Yea, converse. Don’t lecture me, and don’t put me down, otherwise you get it in return. I am one who responds out of emotion, so I’ve retrained myself to process it first. If you’re angry at someone and you tell them to fuck off a bunch, but then respond properly to one request that is actually reasonable, it goes a long fucking way.
Today I am happy to say it. I am not part of the zombie outbreak. When I run into an ugly fuck and I think about shooting it down, I try to check it out and make sure it’s not undead. Imagine that… a transexual that doesn’t judge people. I want the same in return, but I finally realized that something like that’s not ever actually going to happen.
I get to live the rest of my life with this feeling now. Accepting myself for who I am was only the beginning. There’s a lot more happening when it comes to the bigger picture. It’s all too much to handle. It’s too much to grasp at once. All I can do is find the positive in people. That’s literally the only thing that gets me through the day. Cuz if I don’t, then I fall down again and I lose who I am all over again.
Embrace who you are; wear it like a huge banner on your forehead. I decided to not let the dark parts of life step in the way of my happiness, so I made a little video to celebrate with. There may be a little added bonus at the end of it… consider it like an early Christmas present. 😀