Month: December 2017

ii. Lost and Found

I really have done my best to keep negative energy from slithering into the protected portions of these pages, but life sure does have it’s ups and downs. I genuinely find a lot of inspiration from the most random things, but then usually I suffer a super low in between the moments that bring forth light. No matter what you do in this world, you are exposed to the influences around you. From there, you just take what you can and hope others around you will receive it too. The masks people wear can sometimes be downright scary, and other times overly inviting. How can you truly ever know what’s really going on behind the scenes?

Honestly, it feels pretty damn ironic just asking myself that question because I am not everyone else. I am just Brian, and I have a knack for finding the hidden answers to some of life’s most puzzling questions. But hey, not everyone has the will nor humility to reach out through the power of prayer, but it is truly their loss. I have talked about perception consistently throughout this blog and also at my AA meetings when I was still going. Perception is not for the faint of heart, that is why the spiritual realm refers to it as “the third eye–indigo chakra”, and sadly many people’s spiritual eye is seamlessly sealed shut.

Knowing what people secretly think about you can be utterly troubling. It’s their hidden thoughts and they do not openly reveal them, but yet through meditation I’ve developed a fuller understanding of people, and honestly, sometimes the truth is just an obvious one. They may simply judge someone because they don’t like what they see, but yet they perceive not the afflictions that are causing a person’s own indifference, and that fact alone should make everyone want to reach out and have a little bit of compassion. Oh well, what can I do about it?

They say knowledge is power and wisdom is grief and sorrow, but it’s knowing the reasons why that are unsettling. This is simply the truth about why humanity avoids that emotional sector at all costs. It’s just simply easier not to care, and because I do so truly; I stand awkwardly between social blunder and materialistic avoidance. It goes without a doubt to say, it’s a fucked up world we’re living in.

I could go on about the details and situations, but I find myself more appreciative when I sum it all up into a mysterious and articulate fashion. It won’t ever stop me from moving forward and that’s because this bittersweet poet’s pendulum never stops ticking. I am as consistent as time itself. Welcome to the Greatest Show on Earth, now dig down deep and find your buried treasure. Trust me, your fucking shrapnel is made of gold. Those scars alone will kill the enigmas haunting you, and a higher Power will breath newfound life into your soul; the unstoppable power of Love.

I decided to finally post this because of an encounter I had today, but trust me, it’s been building. It’s this girl, and um, she doesn’t have anything to do with my journey in life, but we cross paths. I have a dream about her walking her dog, then she disappears. Then I dream about the dog and it sits down before me, then she returns… but something’s different this time. Either way it represents some kind of change, and it’s this subtle essence in life we must grasp in order to read between the lines.

It’s what we can’t see or hear that we truly need to free us from an unending fog. What does it mean? Well, I figured that out tonight while meditating and doing some ass crunches. It’s really quite simple. We deceive our own hearts because we all have a desire for innocence, but that’s not the world we live in. Imagine that, a dog changes my view on someone in a matter of seconds, and because of that, I’m not walking with my head down beating myself up over superficial sentiment.

When I compare this analogy of a girl and her dog to the Princess that is and is yet to come, I find myself having no reason to despair over life’s unpleasant difficulties. It’s true, someone in High Places has went above and beyond to hold her crown-bearing head high into the clouds, and I can honestly be thankful for that. It makes sense too, because after all, self-preservation is about all you have at the end of the day. Whether torn and tattered, or high and mighty, something keeps us afloat amidst this dastardly pinnacle called life. Can ya dig yourself out of this hole, or are you just going to fucking let it bury you alive?





Changing Season Brings Us Reason

Just about got all my Christmas shopping done. I figured I’d be a bit merrier this year, so I went out and bought really nice gifts. It honestly felt really good. I usually always just panic and buy little things like chocolates and candy, wine, etc. This year though, I went to Jared and got my mom a really nice purple sparkling butterfly charm for her Pandora bracelet. She told me she wanted my sister and I to pick a charm out for her, and to get something that would remind her of us. The butterfly just seemed so perfectly fitting.

I’ve been pretty busy lately between both jobs and my maintenance routine. It feels like it’s been forever since I was just able to chill for a moment and do absolutely nothing, and the idea of it is very relieving. I got the next 5 days off and goddamn, I sure fucking need it. I also got a bonus today too, and honestly it was quite a bit more than I would have expected being a newer employee, but hey I like surprises. I suppose I’ll have to buy myself something special this year, and ya know, I really know for certain that I absolutely have earned it. 🙂

I want to feel spectacular and present myself in a new light. I have been saving some hot rainbow fishnets to go with a future outfit, and just in the nick of time, Dollskill delivers. I got the very last one in stock too. Go me!

I undoubtedly have a thing for sheer mesh. It’s just freaking awesome to wear and is aesthetically pleasing. I’ve really been looking for rainbow wear that’s not over the top, and with all the black, it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. Then of course, I have to browse through the shoes. I have a whole list of footwear that I want, and I plan to fill a closet someday full of them, but for now I just need something to give me my fix. Something new, something different, but totally hot as fuck.

These are Daredevil Chain Heels by Current Mood. They are totally rocking my taste in style, but also changing things up a bit by going with white. I love black a lot, but I feel like these shoes will take on the world by collaborating properly with some black apocalyptic leggings, or perhaps even some utterly shredded and destroyed leggings underlined with rainbow fishnets. The possibilities are endlessly left up to the imagination.

I could totally spend a small fortune on shoes alone, and I’ve thought this through. I definitely should not ever buy cheap shoes. In fact, I should only commit to them if they are in the $100 range or higher, otherwise I feel like they’re probably not worth buying. I recently threw away anything I didn’t feel was overly special. Fucking closet space is a pretty goddamn precious thing, and essentially I will probably be needing an actual shoe closet in the near future.

Aside that from all that, I’ve been investing in a lot of clothing. I recently got my first kangaroo style hoodie, and OMFG, it’s like the best thing ever! I’ve also been buying better leggings and a wide assortment of stockings and tights. I feel like those are important building blocks to any outfit, and honestly I could survive living on hoodies and tight pants for the rest of my life. As for my past attire, well it’s about to get kicked to the curb soon. I am down to owning one men’s hoodie and five tee-shirts. I’ve pretty much replaced everything with women’s now, and it feels really great. Though of course, I had to buy a new dresser with more space and get a double tiered hanging system for my closet and some shoe cubicles, but it’s all worth it.

I will be entering 2018 with a whole new wardrobe and a fresh outlook on life. I’m also 70% complete with my hair removal process and I feel like I’m progressing in the areas of my life that need attention. $5000 in services, $5000 in a new room and clothing and another $10,000 in my truck. That’s 20k the new me sucked up this year. After that though, it gets really fucking expensive. Hip augmentation, $8000. B-cup Breast augmentation, $6500. They have loads of other services, but I’m not looking to actually be a woman so I won’t be needing those. In reality, my aim is to simply pass as a female when I want to, and then be Brian when I need to. After all, my hopes and dreams in life require a great amount of flexibility in order to achieve them.

Anyway, I haven’t done much with this blog lately, but I’m hoping to. I recently upgraded to a private cloud server in order to fulfill some future Internet ventures, but also bought a bad ass iMac with dual screens. I plan on investing my time, which is limited, in many places. I have lots to say. I have lots to do. It’s just really a matter of finding the right words… because explaining the things I intend to put into perspective soon, just isn’t going to be easy. So for now, I’ll just preclude what’s necessary in order to get back on my feet again. A lot has happened, and to be honest, it’s pretty fucking complicated.

Cold Hearted Grinning Disorder

It’s exactly what comes to mind when I try to visualize the world around me. It can be a normal day and every thing seems dreary, then suddenly the look on a stranger’s face leaves you with an ill sitting feeling. Since I have been venturing out into uncharted territory as a new person, I have quickly learned there are more monsters stirring amongst us than I previously would have guessed.

For the most part, people seem fine, but it’s the cold hearted assholes that think they know everything that rub me the wrong way. They think they have all the answers, but their shallow minds are the very danger that leads people into unfortunate situations. My whole view on ignorance is a simple one. If you walk about with only the ability to perceive yourself, then you are already dead. If you cannot open your mind to the conscious world, then how will your heart ever actually beat?

It’s something I just finally realized after the haze of acceptance burned off of me; the world is mostly cold and loveless. Most people don’t genuinely care… they just simply pretend to so they come off as polite. If it’s difficult, if it requires an actual human emotion, then fuck it. Walk the other way. It’s the bald headed fucker that gives me a mean-spirited glance that opens the door to completely separate reality: blind hatred.

Working in a tool and die shop with all men is quite an interesting experience. I stick out like a sore thumb. My employer even extended their HR department after my arrival. They hired their first female in our shop and added a full time receptionist, followed by a part time female machine operator and then the epic finale, a devoted HR lady in plant 2. It’s about time. There is way too much goddamn testosterone in that place.

I’ve been surrounded with innuendo geared towards indirect conversations about “identifying”, stories about an employee who transitioned at X’s old company and the banning of the word “shemale”. It is a persistent little traveler. Well I guess when you wear women’s jeans, mascara and walk around with a stud in your nose, I suppose it makes people curious. My favorite is the conversations about shaving. Why do people fucking ask me about my hygiene routine, WTF, for real??

I have experienced some very important lessons so far in my journey. The old Brian would have lashed out a bit and probably would have made some poor choices as well, but I feel this restraint and open-mindedness that lives inside of me and never leaves. I ask myself, is this guy a dumb fucking hick, or is he just having trouble understanding? So I take a deep breath, and just remind myself there’s a place inside of us that no one can ever touch, and that place is there, so I just go there, but I keep listening to their voices, and slowly, but surely, I grow numb to it.

I can’t believe it, but I know what it’s like to receive sexist biases. It’s quite an unsettling and unfair feeling to behold. Every single day I just push myself to keep going, to remain calm and to think about the best response to give back. It is this awesome journey in life that’s building me into the person I’m becoming. They say it builds character, and it’ll eventually show you who you are.

I keep giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, and life keeps moving on without any waves. It’s honestly the most important tool in any human beings arsenal of weaponry, and it’s a little something called communication. Yea, converse. Don’t lecture me, and don’t put me down, otherwise you get it in return. I am one who responds out of emotion, so I’ve retrained myself to process it first. If you’re angry at someone and you tell them to fuck off a bunch, but then respond properly to one request that is actually reasonable, it goes a long fucking way.

Today I am happy to say it. I am not part of the zombie outbreak. When I run into an ugly fuck and I think about shooting it down, I try to check it out and make sure it’s not undead. Imagine that… a transexual that doesn’t judge people. I want the same in return, but I finally realized that something like that’s not ever actually going to happen.

I get to live the rest of my life with this feeling now. Accepting myself for who I am was only the beginning. There’s a lot more happening when it comes to the bigger picture. It’s all too much to handle. It’s too much to grasp at once. All I can do is find the positive in people. That’s literally the only thing that gets me through the day. Cuz if I don’t, then I fall down again and I lose who I am all over again.

Embrace who you are; wear it like a huge banner on your forehead. I decided to not let the dark parts of life step in the way of my happiness, so I made a little video to celebrate with. There may be a little added bonus at the end of it… consider it like an early Christmas present. 😀

Peacocking 101