I wish my dad would just open his fucking eyes. Every word out of his mouth about me is always negative. I can’t sit down for one moment without hearing about how I do everything wrong. I’m sitting here thinking about how totally and completely wrong he is. I spent two years in a methadone clinic and pretty much hit rock bottom more than I care to remember. I’m nearing 2 years in sobriety, I got a great job, I’ve taken responsibility for my flaws in life and I’ve finished 2 years of school towards my trade in one year. I work two jobs and I do my best to be productive, and it’s never ever good enough. He takes the most minor insignificant shit and blows it out of proportion like it’s important, and it never is.
I’ve sat here and listened to stories about how he lost his dad at a young age from drinking too much and how horrible it was and how he was never there and blah blah blah, and yet I’m sitting right here literally going through the same thing with my own dad. I might be living in his house, but my dad is not here with me. My dad wouldn’t get mad over nothing and raise his fist like he’s going to hit me. My dad wouldn’t get so drunk on Christmas Eve and pass out on the couch and then run around the house with a chair chasing me after I woke him up at 3 in the morning. My dad wouldn’t fucking do any of that stuff, but I’m pretty goddamn sure his dad would. My kid’s dad however, would never!!!
Someone at AA told me to “get out of the house” and be free and clear from it, and she was absolutely right. There is nothing that is ever going to change about my dad. He can’t admit that he’s an alcoholic, so there’s no hope for him. If it’s a matter of money versus my own well being, then it’s no choice at all. I’m going to fix the shit that’s broken because nobody else has taken the initiative. If shaving my legs comforts me enough to be free of it, then so be it. I’ll be a freak with a good heart versus a drunk in denial any fucking day of the week.
Again, thanks dad. I was in such a great mood because I have my first consultation with a cosmetics treatment doctor tomorrow, but it’s like I’m too fucking pissed off to be happy about it. If I didn’t have this problem, I’d be writing happy thoughts about this right now. Negativity is not good for the human soul, and while I’m aware that I’m pretty much superhuman, it still doesn’t change the facts here. I am moving out after my 32nd birthday because turning 32 is pretty goddamn depressing so I’m gonna make a change and it’s one that is totally needed.
I would say that I would pray for my dad, but it doesn’t work. I would try to talk to him about it, but it doesn’t work. I bet moving out and getting a fucking boob job would do the trick though! I know for certain that would be a real eye-opener. Fuck insanity. I am so goddamn done with it. I don’t care if I have to put on a collar and sleep in a fucking dog house, I’m out of here.
But for now, I got good things happening in life and that’s what I need to focus on. Negativity brings down the stuff that’s good. Friday is almost here and I’ll be heading towards Detroit to see Emily play at the Token Lounge and honestly I’m going to this show alone and just having time to myself sounds so great right now. It’ll be nice to just get away…. Go figure too, I bought two tickets. This will be the first concert I go to all alone.
I went ahead and rented a suite with a king size bed all to myself… well almost. I am like two people in one body, so I won’t really be alone. 😉