Month: June 2017

The Orange Dream

Religion is a topic I would very much like to leave out of this blog because it’s a blog for me all on its own, but when it comes to spirituality for me, the sky is really the limit. I believe in the practice of meditation to better yourself as a spiritual being, and the power of the Chakra is one system I’ve personally experienced, and would love to share how the “orange dream” set free my repressed sexuality.

When I began my journey into my transgender side, I was no stranger to the world of Chakra’s at all. I’ve focused on them so much that eventually I just started to notice this huge absence of the sacral chakra. It finally came to me in a dream, and when I woke up from it, I felt this huge burst of sexual energy just come over me. I was looking at my belly while wearing my aqua mint racer back, and the way I looked, was naturally feminine. I saw this huge orange bright light just burst open all over me like an explosion, and when I woke up, I felt a huge relief. I was contemplating the treatments but wasn’t committed yet, and this dream was a valid continuity between myself and a spiritual reconciliation.

The Powers that be have set me free. A lot of the “baptist” practices seem to hold these aspects back, but perhaps that’s why I searched around myself. Hinduism, Buddhism and even Islamic teachings I have read. It’s quite interesting that my higher Power consistently uses the chakra system alongside my recovery. I also find myself very drawn to it naturally. There’s so much beauty in words, but the beauty in true understanding is absolutely precious. There is nothing higher in this world than divinely granted wisdom.

When I am meditating in thoughts about life, people or choices to be made, I can clearly and visibly see these colors flash around me. I try to relate how my thoughts are regarding towards the subject criteria, and then based upon the color that flashes, I try to redirect my focus onto a higher mindset. A purple chakra resembles fullness with your spiritual nature, and I’ve never seen it until I started shaving my legs. After I began to seek more dramatic measures to advance my body to match my inner self, the orange energy opened. It was the final breaking point I needed in my life. Once it happened, literally, my uncomfortable anxiety around females just completely vanished. It’s the relief I’ve been long needing for the past 6 years, and I am so damn happy I’ve come to terms with myself.

It’s the step I needed to “unlock the door” and leave it open. Once you set out into the world as the person you were meant to be, then the world around you actually starts to make sense again. Not just the world, but also the people in it. Your relationships change because you change on the inside, and perhaps a person like me needs something that’ll never let me forget again, and making this happen has been enlightening and peaceful. The persona of an emasculated person fearing to live like she’s alive was buried away like a lost treasure. She never knew how valuable she was until now.

Proverbs 3:13-15

Happy is the man who finds wisdom,
And the man who gains understanding;
For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver,
And her gain than fine gold.
She is more precious than rubies,
And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her.

They say intuition is a gift of women… Notice the use of “she”. 🙂

Proverbs 31:10-11

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.

Her rejection alone caused me to become a happier and fuller person. I didn’t lose anything at all, but I found everything I needed. I love her for this.

And by the way, how could a post-apocalyptic tranny that thought s/he found the right girl not obsess over her?? And just for the goddamn record, I ain’t obsessed honey buns. It’s something I call devotion!!

which includes my journal & homework:

Dolls Kill, they fucking kill.

We are apocalyptic, and we’re gonna live like it. My genes + your genes – our jeans = SUPER GOOD TIME.

So be prepared for the final battle

Cuz it’s going to blow your mind

I am *GULPING* cuz I may be letting her in too much. But fuck it, it’s been a long time since I shared me.

 

Birthday Surprise

I always hate my birthday. It’s such a major downer to me. I was laying in my bed having some rather emo-thoughts, and I got a text message on Etsy. Instead of waiting the 2-3 weeks to ship out my new leggings, she worked extra hard to send them out on my birthday, and she sent me this!

 

She totally made my day! Big Aww for Bilpup 🙂

It’s the perfect timing to celebrate. I was talking to Chasity and Britney about laser hair removal and such during my last appointment, and I made my decision today. I am gonna fucken do it. It’s only like $3600 for full body, fuck it; why not? Going into LightRX with these two girls is like the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I finally have someone to talk to about stuff, and honestly, life is becoming much more interesting than it has ever been before. I don’t feel a shred of insecurity anymore, and that makes me happy. Sometimes I have to remind myself of the positive changes in life and just write it out. Getting stuck in my head when I’m alone just doesn’t do me any favors at all. I guess I should look on the bright side of things: Now I’ll get the chance to show some ladies how freaking adorable I look in hipster panties. 😀

Delain in Chicago!!! April 27th, 2018

It’s like my prayers have been answered! The Dutch goddess of metal is gracing our shit hole nation with her presence next year, and my balls are shaking I am so goddamn excited!!! I know why this is happening too. Delain probably saw my music video on you tube with her bad ass masquerade song, and she was so inspired, she decided to book a tour here. She’s only making like 5 stops in the states, but Chicago is perfect.

This Saturday is my birthday and between Delain and my designer on Etsy, I am pretty darn happy right now. I’ve been talking to this girl from Mexico that made my heavy metal leggings and we seem to really hit it off. I sent her a picture of myself in drag and she complimented me up and down and said it was nice to actually have someone post a picture of her work.

She told me she was having problems with a new design and lost the motivation lately. Then after I inspired her, she came out with a new design a week later. I bought the very first pair!!! I didn’t need them, but when I found out about Delain, I decided to buy them to wear exclusively for her show.

It’s like ten months away, but I don’t care. Her music has spoken to me on such a deep level, and I feel like her words and voice says all things I can’t. I am going to look sexy as hell at her show in my homemade female rock star attire. I can’t wait for this. It’s going to be nice to feel completely free and normal while she sings to me, plus I feel like Chicago is better scenery for me.

When I stayed in Taylor, Mi, I was like one of two white people staying there. I was kind of getting eyeballed a bit and felt uncomfortable, and it was really even more awkward when I accidentally set off the hotel’s fire alarms from vaping in my suite.

I was so scared I had no idea what was going on. I had all my exotic clothing on too, and I had to let the hotel manager in my room. He was kind of mad and said he was gonna keep my deposit, but after he noticed how lovely I looked, I think he changed his mind because I never got charged for it.

He didn’t have the heart to do it after seeing how hot I looked in black nylons and my chained o-ring booties. I threw a tee shirt over my bra and breast forms, but I know damn well he just couldn’t do that to a hot little tranny like Briana. ??

New Metal Leggings – First Pair Ever!

Beauty Facha – Etsy

Someday, I’m gonna put a Princess into a rock star outfit like this. Seriously, she would look so goddamn amazing in these. 🙂

And speaking of the Princess, she has a striking resemblance to Delain when you consider the fiery red hair and nose piercing, and not to mention, absolute flawless beauty. 😀

Rainbow Zombie Apocalypse

Strange things certainly have been crawling into the hidden regions of my life. I took my dad out for breakfast today for father’s day, and it was a pretty good time. He asked me last night if I would help him quit drinking, and I said yes. He was a bit drunk last night, but today when I mentioned it, he still seemed pretty serious about it. I’ve been drilling it through his head that it’s only going to get worse after he retires and such… maybe I finally got through to him. God knows everyone around him would be a lot happier if he did.

After that, I went to the vapor store and got some juice. I got talking to the girl that works there and I think she’s pretty much got it figured out that I’m transgendered. She mysteriously added me to facebook recently and initiated a conversation with me. While going through some debates about my life, I figured I would just delete my facebook and start over as a new person, but she kept talking about facebook and messaging me and stuff, so I didn’t want her to think I blocked her or something, so I reactivated it. I always so cave to women. Anyway, then we got to talking about music and she pulled up a video of a band she liked with a guy half way through his post-op conversion. Then oddly enough, I told her about growing my hair out too. I guess between my clothing and my profile picture, she probably figured out what’s going on with me.

I am such the loner type and it is very strange not being able to go unnoticed anymore because of my recent changes. This is something I am really going to have to adjust to. It’s a new journey in life and I’m a different person walking through it this time. Either way, I have decided to fully embrace the pieces of me that make me distinctly who I am. If you want to establish a bond between yourself and the people you call friends, you pretty much just have to let go completely and surrender yourself.

I’ve come a long way from this point last year. In fact this time last year, I got this crazy idea in my head to give this Special Girl a blue rose on father’s day. She was working that day, but I got shy and didn’t do it. I felt like I was reaching, but I totally could relate. This kid I went to daycare with had a dad who killed himself while we were there together, and pretty much we ended up becoming best friends for life. He would always tell me that I was his soulmate. We reached a point where he wanted a bit more than friendship, and I crossed the line with him. It’s something I never wanted, but he did. After that, he moved to California. I still always think about him on father’s day, just like this girl I love too. Call me crazy, but there are some things in life that are just magnetic. It’s the most magical intimacy you could ever know. You got that little angel in one ear telling you to love with all your heart, and then a little devil in the other encouraging you to enjoy some hot, sexy bondage.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I went and fucked up my wallet. I hit up both Etsy and Dollskill today.

 

Rivet-Head Platforms – $92

 

Long Sleeve Mesh Top – $25

 

Studded Cross Ring – $15

Black Mummy Zombie Apocalypse Leggings – $27

 

Black and Antique Brass Leather Harness Garter Belt – GENESIS – $175

Women’s Black Leather Cage Harness – $53

When the time comes, I am going to put it all on so I can express my innermost desires in a way that is appropriately fitting and completely sexy. Besides, it’s the only way I’ve ever known how to turn a girl on. Being dominated mentally, physically and emotionally by a female is what I do best.

Sirenia – Dim Days of Dolor

Inner Peace

I was a bit nervous going in today for my light treatment, but it ended up actually being very therapeutic and relieving. Being in front of good looking women while nice and clean shaved was really peaceful. I wore my shorts under my jeans because I wasn’t in the mood for attention today. When I got into the room for pictures, I just started undressing the moment the door shut behind us.

It was kind of a bold initiation, but it felt good and I could tell Chasity wasn’t quite ready for it. I took my rainbow girl necklace off and put it on the counter next to my phone, wallet and keys with my super cool Batman keychain. Then we got down to business and she began to measure my body.

She was on her knees and I was looking in the mirror behind us, and back down to her face. She really has it going on. Tattoos on her arms and feet, dark hair, light skin, excellent curves and pretty sky blue eyes. That totally fits my description for the perfect, sexy kinda woman.

We got talking a bit about random stuff, and I guess she wanted to be a tattoo model when she was 18 and told me how stupid it was. I told her I thought that was badass and that I love tattoo models. It was really nice. I felt totally comfortable and relaxed, and so did she. It’s all about my perception being properly aligned to the correct axial forces in nature.

After she took my pictures, I met a really nice girl named Britney, and she gave me the treatment. It was like getting a really warm belly massage. We talked for the duration of the half hour and she was really curious about me. I guess a man that walks in wearing women’s clothing is probably not something you see everyday, so it makes sense. She asked me what I did for fun, and I started to think about my rockstar video. I talked my way around that one, but maybe I won’t next time.

I am really glad I did this. One down, seven more to go! After that, I went to meijer and got checked out by a tranny. What are the fucking odds of that happening? I was looking at women’s legs and shoes like I always do, and then our eyes met, and she was doing the same thing. I was greeted by a huge smile and actually I think she might’ve wanted to blow me, but who knows maybe she wanted to make me suck her dick. It’s hard to tell, but there sure was a bit of seductive deviousness in her eyes.

That was my day today. After discovering I only weigh 155 pounds, I decided to go to adobe and eat a huge fucking bag of tacos. They were seriously the best goddamn tacos I ever had. Everything under the sun just seems better lately, and for that, I am really thankful.

I am going to take pictures each week. I already feel like there’s less flap.

Wearing a small pair of hipster panties from Venus. I got them because I fit into a size 6 now, but I’m gonna keep buying size 8 in hopes of expanding my hips out.

Hmmm, not sure what this has to do with my belly, but consider it an added bonus. It is after all a pretty decent looking ass.

My spirit animal!!! I’m going to a tattoo shop tomorrow and I’m gonna see what they have to say about putting this on my right shoulder blade. I want this owl on me because she has a third eye, and it’s fully open and beautiful. She’s just like me! Owls have a unique mating ritual too. They imprint onto their mate. It’s just like a tattoo, it’s permanent. These tattooes exist in the mind and heart, and if you’re lucky, between your inner thighs too.

Venus with a Penis

There comes a time when reality finally catches up to me, and I ask myself, “did I really just spend $183 on fucking makeup?” It’s pretty hard to believe, but it’s true. This journey started out on the cheap trial and error basis, then I discovered I had expensive taste. I like nice things and when I do something for myself, I like to feel satisfied at the end of the day. It’s like my rockstar video for example. Between my outfit and suite, the 7 and half minutes cost me about a thousand dollars, but was it worth it? Fuck yes, it was. Every goddamn penny. Money is meaningless shit unless you know how to spend it well, and besides, I had a super awesome reason to do it. Telling someone who you are as a person is no easy task, so I decided to simply show her. She’s worth it, and so am I.

Lime Crime Diamond Crushers Iridescent Liquid Lip Topper – Trip

ILNP Purple Plasma – Electric Purple Holographic Nail Polish

Aesthetica Cosmetics Brow Contour Kit

Lime Crime – Venus II Eyeshadow Palette

Lime Crime Hi-Lite Opals Palette. Iridescent Powder Trio- Highlighter

BECCA Shimmering Skin Perfector Pressed- Prismatic Amethyst

 

If you could imagine a trippy, psychedelic tranny with the divine attributes of a goddess, then you would see Venus and her Penis. I know that sounds a bit on the erotic side, but it’s who I am as a person. Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n Roll. Now that the drugs are out of the way, it’s time to fill the void with something plentiful and playful. I picture myself on a playground. She will wear black and purple. It’s the first color of the rainbow I choose to fill.

Tomorrow is my first appointment at LightRX and I got a pair of “short shorts” just like Chasity asked me to wear. She was checking out my ankles and made a joke about it, so I am going to go in wearing surfer girl shorts with a cute little sea horse on them. There’s a funny story about a sea horse I have to share. While I was creeping this cool girl out that worked at a vape store, I kept dreaming about this goddamn snake and a bush every time she got mad at me. Then after I made my little confession to her, I saw that snake morph into a sea horse… then I never saw her car again at the vape shop. When I saw the shorts on Amazon, I had to fucking have them. They are now so fucking mine. 🙂

It looks so darn cute and innocent, but I don’t trust it.

My new blue timberland sandals from Macy’s. Absolutely love them!

They’re not showing my ass off short, but I think this is probably my limit. Anything beyond that could be going in the X-rated direction, which is a definite possibility. I made some hot videos of myself doing what I do best in the privacy of my bed, and I honestly feel like I’m getting confident enough to the point where I’d be willing to share some of my naughty school girl adventures. I think once my belly is completely fem’d to my expectations, I might have to do some more experimenting. I enjoyed watching them myself, and to my surprise, I got turned on by it. It’s honestly a very strange feeling to get an arousal over watching yourself masturbating on your iphone 7. Seeing my facial reactions were pretty goddamn convincing. Briana is a sexy little seductress when she’s in the right kinda mood.

Beneath the Pale Moonlight

She needed to be alone so she went outside into her car. It was a force of gravity, pulling her into the desires of her heart. As a girl, it’s something I understand myself and I’ve been there before. Lying in bed last night, the owl whispered into my ear a subtle suggestion, and I felt turned on a in way I’ve never experienced before. She thought about it all day today while at work.

No man can possess such intuition, for that’s something reserved inside the realm of a woman. In Ancient Greek mythology, these intuitive women were known as oracles. They had stunning beauty and were untouched by men, but the people in the cities began to worship them as goddesses and their divine insights into the unknown were overlooked because of it. Then God saw fit to place these delicate virgins into the bodies of men.

Reminiscing over the glory days, she longed for a body to match her nature. It caused her much agony and she suffered greatly, but then an owl told her there was another way. She spoke of a sacred love that existed, unscathed by the world around us. It’s an essence that knows no boundaries and has no masks. Its energies manifest outside the confines of human deceit and deception, like crystal reflecting beneath the purity of starlight.

She understood the rarity of such a gift, and she chose to call it hidden beauty. It exists, but you can’t see it, taste it or touch it until the moment is ripe. It’s a seed planted into the richest soils that no men can find, and when the heavens open, the garden is watered by pouring skies. When it’s the time of the season, she will blossom like a beautiful blue flower in an open meadow.

Even in the darkest of shadows, her glow will be seen by many. They won’t be able to quite put a finger on it, but they’ll notice something different about her. She’ll float around; a butterfly among dreary moths and a back-lit canopy with holes punched in it.

One with Nature

I couldn’t possibly be in a better mood today. I went in for my consultation at LightRX and I decided to go through with it. I dropped $1300 for 8 treatment sessions and I’m feeling ecstatic. There was a pretty girl working there and we seemed to really hit it off.

She asked me, “so what was your big change in life?” I told her about how I quit drinking and lost a bunch of weight along with all my life changes. Then she told me her story too. She said said she had major anxiety and depression, and was on several medications and gained a ton of weight and such. Just talking to her made me feel completely happy about doing this.

We showed each other our fatty pictures and it honestly felt relieving to talk to someone with a similar experience. I had to show her my belly and stuff, and she told me I was a perfect candidate for this. No belly fat, just excess skin. I start my first session next week for 8 weeks and I guess they’re gonna take pictures of me in gym shorts for a before and after picture.

Sometimes you just have to do something in life that’s only for you, and it is rewarding. After I got home my dad wanted to talk and it went pretty good. I am really hoping we can work things out.

All in all, I am beginning to feel in touch with the world around me. I’ll be standing in the checkout line at Sam’s Club and some random guy will talk to me then check my body out fully up and down, and it’s kinda nice. Then with women, I’m not sure what it is, but I just feel more open and socially anept. I don’t feel uncomfortable anymore because I’m not hiding anything subconsciously.

Who would’ve knew this was the much needed change in life I was looking for? I would have to give credit to my higher Power here. What I thought was my 40th birthday party was actually my 42nd birthday. I saw the number 42 while meditating on it. In the dream, I was wearing a long coat and I always wondered why, but now I know. I don’t question who I am anymore because I’ve figured that out. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Tomorrow I pack my bag and when I return, I’ll be ready for whatever life brings to me next. I’ll welcome the future with open arms from now on.

Breaking the Cycle

I wish my dad would just open his fucking eyes. Every word out of his mouth about me is always negative. I can’t sit down for one moment without hearing about how I do everything wrong. I’m sitting here thinking about how totally and completely wrong he is. I spent two years in a methadone clinic and pretty much hit rock bottom more than I care to remember. I’m nearing 2 years in sobriety, I got a great job, I’ve taken responsibility for my flaws in life and I’ve finished 2 years of school towards my trade in one year. I work two jobs and I do my best to be productive, and it’s never ever good enough. He takes the most minor insignificant shit and blows it out of proportion like it’s important, and it never is.

I’ve sat here and listened to stories about how he lost his dad at a young age from drinking too much and how horrible it was and how he was never there and blah blah blah, and yet I’m sitting right here literally going through the same thing with my own dad. I might be living in his house, but my dad is not here with me. My dad wouldn’t get mad over nothing and raise his fist like he’s going to hit me. My dad wouldn’t get so drunk on Christmas Eve and pass out on the couch and then run around the house with a chair chasing me after I woke him up at 3 in the morning. My dad wouldn’t fucking do any of that stuff, but I’m pretty goddamn sure his dad would. My kid’s dad however, would never!!!

Someone at AA told me to “get out of the house” and be free and clear from it, and she was absolutely right. There is nothing that is ever going to change about my dad. He can’t admit that he’s an alcoholic, so there’s no hope for him. If it’s a matter of money versus my own well being, then it’s no choice at all. I’m going to fix the shit that’s broken because nobody else has taken the initiative. If shaving my legs comforts me enough to be free of it, then so be it. I’ll be a freak with a good heart versus a drunk in denial any fucking day of the week.

Again, thanks dad. I was in such a great mood because I have my first consultation with a cosmetics treatment doctor tomorrow, but it’s like I’m too fucking pissed off to be happy about it. If I didn’t have this problem, I’d be writing happy thoughts about this right now. Negativity is not good for the human soul, and while I’m aware that I’m pretty much superhuman, it still doesn’t change the facts here. I am moving out after my 32nd birthday because turning 32 is pretty goddamn depressing so I’m gonna make a change and it’s one that is totally needed.

I would say that I would pray for my dad, but it doesn’t work. I would try to talk to him about it, but it doesn’t work. I bet moving out and getting a fucking boob job would do the trick though! I know for certain that would be a real eye-opener. Fuck insanity. I am so goddamn done with it. I don’t care if I have to put on a collar and sleep in a fucking dog house, I’m out of here.

But for now, I got good things happening in life and that’s what I need to focus on. Negativity brings down the  stuff that’s good. Friday is almost here and I’ll be heading towards Detroit to see Emily play at the Token Lounge and honestly I’m going to this show alone and just having time to myself sounds so great right now. It’ll be nice to just get away….  Go figure too, I bought two tickets. This will be the first concert I go to all alone.

I went ahead and rented a suite with a king size bed all to myself… well almost. I am like two people in one body, so I won’t really be alone. 😉