It’s a topic in AA that is always avoided for some reason. We wear a mask because we are not yet acceptant of ourselves. I decided to choose it, but it was a lost cause due its unsettling nature. I decided to spend some time to dive deep and figure out who the hell I am. The answers were all in my journal.
I started it after 10 months in AA and what really blows my mind is how completely lost I was. In the earlier pages, I can visualize a person who’s really searching for the answers in life. Most of my dialogues were directed towards desires, hopes, dreams and self-change. I wasn’t happy, but yet I was hopeful.
When I look at everything I wrote this year, it’s so inevitably clear that I have learned from my mistakes in life. Now life is crazy and traveling at the speed of light before my eyes. I work an 11 hour shift during the week then do side jobs on the weekends, and they’re such long hours yet they fly by in the twinkle of an eye.
I am happy to be living life on life’s terms. There are no more mysteries shadowing behind the reasons of a self-loathing addict, but only sparkles of light reflecting through open doors. To be free and uncaged from the shackles of brokenness is a once in a lifetime achievement.
After the door opens, it can never again be closed. I have yet to meet someone who regrets quitting drinking. It is such a subtle difference between the 1st step and the 12th step as it’s only an admission, but the life inspiring changes cannot be denied; herein lies the reasons why I am a lifer in the program of recovery. I have seen many faces in the pages of my own handwriting, but now I only see her in the mirror.